Still Around

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been enjoying the summer with the kids.

Yes, I have 2 months as of August 8th. I am so grateful!

My marriage is good, actually better than it's been in many months.

Ally has been working all summer, she's managed to put almost $1,000 in her savings account. She's proven herself such a good worker that they have asked her to stay on when school starts.

Trevor is returning to public school. We can't pay the tuition any longer. Our financial future is extremely uncertain and after much thought we decided that we had no other choice. Trevor is ecstatic. The private school is giving us a little trouble, stating that we signed a contract, blah blah blah. We did sign a contract but nowhere in it does it state that the contract will be held if you remove your child before the school year begins. I start worrying every so often but I realize that God is in control and that all will ok.

Abby has spent the entire summer reading the Twilight series, she's now on her 2nd time through. She starts field hockey soon. Dance starts in September but she's dropping toe which means less money and less time.

As for me, I'm still working on getting healthy. I have tried a trial gluten free diet and then reintroduced gluten and I am returning to gluten free because I feel so much better.

Life is good.

Life Kinda

Today I have one month. It's kinda weird to say that since I've already had one month before, I actually remember getting my chip. Anyway, need to keep my focus on today.

Summer is just moving along for us. Ally has a job and works 4-5 days a week, she's making good money-saving some and spending some. Trevor is finishing travel lacrosse this weekend, he has a tournament in Walkersville,MD and because it's a bit far for us to travel back and forth we are staying nearby in Frederick. Football starts next week so there is no down time, Trev says he won't play travel lacrosse next summer because he wants a break in between spring lacrosse and football. Suits me just fine. Abby is enjoying the Twilight series of books, she's like me and loves to read.

JR and I are, well, trying. We are caught in a tug of war. I keep taking my will back in this situation and of course, it is not getting better. The Family Afterwards describes us to a T in the first few paragraphs.

I don't know how to mend this. I feel like I should be doing something.

I have alot I'd love to say here but I just can't find the words. It's hard for me to see how broken our family has become.

Even so, the desire to drink has been lifted from me and I am so grateful for that. Even though life is off kilter, I know that it will be ok. Somehow. For that I am grateful.

No More Tears

I was laying bed, crying and my bulldog who is always with me, realized I was crying and he came and put his face right up to mine. We stayed that way for a few moments and then he started to lick my tears away.

And you know, I couldn't continue feeling sorry for myself after that.

How could I?

Maybe....

Someday I will be good enough
Someday the house will be clean enough
Someday I'll be perfect

Someday I won't tense up when you return home from work
Someday I'll stop dreaming of running away from you

Someday I won't seek your approval
Someday I won't gauge your moods
Someday I'll just let you pout
Someday I won't try and fix everything

Someday

Soggy but Sober

I still haven't found my voice here yet.

I am still sober. So grateful.

Life is good even with the tremendous amount of rain we've been having for weeks, even though it's barely in the 60's in the middle of June, even though all this crazy weather makes my fibromyalgia scream.

My kids are doing good, all are now enjoying summer vacation.

JR and I are doing better. I don't know what it was but since the relapse something changed. Maybe because I was more open?

Work is starting to pick up a little.

My Mack Daddy puppy dog is doing well too. I just love him and he loves me.

Hope all is well with you and I hope to get back to visiting blogs again.

Time To Be Honest

AA is an honest program so take a look to your right and check out the new sobriety date.

Yes, I relapsed. For 4 days, 4 days of craziness and misery.

Glad to be back in the fold again.

I take full responsibility. No excuses.

I'm Here

• I am still sober
• Just been busy with life
• The spring lacrosse season is winding to a close
• I am ready for things to slow down again
• My fibromyalgia has been off the hook the last few weeks
• Some days I just don't know how to deal with the pain but yet I do
• I am sensitive to weather changes, I can predict rain better then any meteorologist
• I have a new sponsor, she and I could not be more different but we seem to fit
• Trevor has been getting in trouble in school and has been a real shit here at home at times
• His teachers are suggesting testing for ADD or ADHD
• How much is it just being a hormonal 13 year old boy?
• I am looking forward to the end of the school year, I need a break from dragging kids out of the house by 7:15, homework, projects
• Abby has lacrosse tournaments the first weekend of June in Ocean City, MD, I'm hoping for lots of sun and good times
• I hope to one day get back into blogging again, I'm around, lurking in the background, just staying quiet for some reason

What I've Been Doing

All is well.

Life

• One of Trevor's best friends-Chase-lost his father in a car accident on the 15th
• He was responding to a fire call
• The funeral was amazing, firetrucks and companies from all over lined the streets of Sudlersville
• When they had the last call come across the scanner, there wasn't a dry eye
• It was an emotionally draining weekend but I am so thankful to have been there to support the family
• Ally was officially diagnosed with having migraines last week, she is on medication that she takes daily at bedtime and then imitrex for when she has severe ones
• I had to pick her up yesterday from school because she was having one, she took the imitrex when she got home and slept all afternoon. She is home again today. The imitrex works but makes her too tired to function.
• Tomorrow is Abby's 11th birthday
• We've been having more and more warm weather, finally!
• I am meeting with a holisitc nutritionist today, she's going to help teach me how to manage my fibromyalgia naturally
• I've been having some truly humbling experiences lately, can't say I'm enjoying them a whole lot but I know that I will only grow and learn from them
• Sorry I don't visit blogs and comment, I do keep track of y'all though

Fun Day

Today I had one of those moments where I see what being sober has given me.

My son turned 13 yesterday which means I now have two teenagers in my home. God help me! Anyway, Trevor had some friends come over today. So I have spent most of my day laughing and enjoying the rowdiness of several 13 year old boys.

Last year Trevor and Abby (whose birthday is on the 22nd) did not have big birthdays, I was newly sober and completely unable to deal with a bunch of kids.

This year I was a little apprehensive, mainly because it was raining and I did not want to stay cooped up in the house with a bunch of rowdy, buzzing out on sugar boys.

But the weather cooperated and we were able to go to a lacrosse game. We then went to Pizza Hut and fed 10 people with $50, I thought that was pretty darn good. And since we had some daylight left, we took them to the park where they played until the guy came to lock the gates at dark.

I enjoyed it. I was grateful.

Now I just need to get through Easter at my in-laws tomorrow.

Good

Life seems to be getting in the way of my blogging. In a good way so I can't complain.

I am still basking in the glow from my AA anniversary. I was not expecting the amount of people who came. When I pulled up to the church I was shocked at the amount of cars. I was nervous in a BIG way. But I got through it.

Things have been good and I'm trying to enjoy it.

I'm working on really living in the moment, no projecting, no making mountains out of mole hills. I'm working on trusting God and that He will always take care of me and that His will is way better then my own. Easier said then done but I'm trying.

Spring is trying to make it's appearance. Buds are on the trees, we've had some warm sunny days and I'm liking it.

I'm completely off Lyrica now that my back is so much better due to physical therapy and exercise. I took my first class in the pool last week and loved it. When I'm done physical therapy I'm going to join the gym so I can continue with all I've learned.

Lacrosse season started over the weekend so now my calendar is full of lacrosse practices and games.

Today is the noon meeting that I co-chair and I'm still pondering a topic. Tonight my friend Lisa celebrates 2 years.

As you can tell, my life is pretty normal right now. No drama, thank you God! and I'm trying to just be and not anticipate when the next shoe will drop.

Life is just good.

One Year

I've been trying to write a post today and I just can't. I can't seem to find the words.

I am just so grateful.

Ugh

The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.

Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.

Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.

What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.

So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.

But it is what it is.

I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!

I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.

I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.

Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.

I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.

WTF?

I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.

So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.

Catching Up Bullet Style

• Trevor hurt his knee at lacrosse practice Friday night
• We spent some time in the ER Saturday morning
• He was put on crutches with explicit instructions to not do anything until he was seen by an orthopedic doctor
• Trevor does not like to be still for long so it was a challenge
• He got in to see the orthopedic doctor, he was sent for an MRI, that machine is loud, wow
• He has a sprain of the lateral ligament or some such thing
• He can play no sports until he's seen again by the doctor next Tuesday
• No gym
• No playing football during recess
• No scrimmage game tomorrow night
• No tournament games this weekend
• He's only allowed to walk around
• He's one bummed out boy
• And I'm a little bummed too because I love watching him play
• However, we have to look on the bright side, his ACL is fine and so are all the other major ligaments and such
• On a totally different note, I will have 1 year next Tuesday
• ONE YEAR
• Nervous as hell about speaking so I try not to think about it

What Do You Think?

At the noon meeting yesterday a guy who has 19 years of sobriety said that he could sit on a keg of beer and have no desire to drink it. That he knows he could be completely alone in a brewery and not drink. He talked about the part in the BB, I think in A Vision For You where it says how we cease fighting everything and everyone. And how he doesn't fight alcohol anymore. He said that's what should happen if you are recovering/recovered, whatever. That he can go anywhere now because it's just not an issue, that he doesn't even think about drinking anymore because he no longer has an alcoholic mind.

This got me thinking and questioning. I can say that I don't fight alcohol anymore but do I think about it from time to time? Absolutely. I did fight the desire to drink every single day the first 4 months. I had to take it minute by minute. But thanks to the grace of God and working the steps, I don't struggle like that anymore.

But I do think about drinking every now and again.

And because I choose to not put myself in certain situations, does that make me not recovering? I thought that was protecting my sobriety.

I'd love to have your take on this.

Stepping On My Soapbox

I know I'm a newcomer but this is how I feel:

• During a meeting please don't sit and have your own private conversation, it's very distracting and disrespectful.
• When they tell you to silence your cell phones, DO IT!
• If for some reason you don't silence it, please turn it off when it starts to ring, don't let it continue to ring throughout the entire meeting.
• Can you maybe try and sit still during the entire meeting instead of getting up 4-5 times?

I am half deaf in my right ear so when someone is speaking I focus so I can read their lips and try to hear. Background noise makes it almost impossible for me to hear.

I guess I should be more compassionate. Maybe the people that get up over and over have a medical problem and they need to use the bathroom or something. It's always the same people.

And I know the meetings aren't all about me. But I'm there to listen and I'm finding myself getting more and more irritated by the almost constant disruptions.

Yes, I have PMS.

I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

Complication

You know, I really think I'm starting to get this turn it all over to God and let Him run the show thing.

It's really that simple.

But yet, being the good alcoholic that I am, I take something so very simple and complicate the hell out of it.

I turn my will over and then yank it back. It's a wonder I can lift my arms for all the yanking I do.

I'm still not comfortable chairing meetings. I feel like I stumble over my words, I go blank, I don't make any sense. I don't want to say the wrong thing. Am I complicating it? Probably.

Today is supposed to get into the 60's, I hope so. My aching body needs some warmth. I am glad that I have managed to walk twice this week while at the park during Abby's lacrosse practices. I get discouraged when I see just how out of shape I have become but I can't focus on that. I need to focus on the positive and how I've walked twice this week which is more than last week. Progress....

Life Lessons

What other people think of me is really none of my business. While I would certainly like for everyone to like me, it's just not going to happen. I used to sell my soul in order to be accepted and then spend hours upon hours plotting revenge against those who didn't accept me.

But man, let someone talk about one of my babies. Grrr...the momma bear in me just comes out.

I will pray for those girls like the BB suggests. Even though I won't really mean it.

Today I'm Grateful:

• My mini daffodils have bloomed
• Gas went down 6 cents
• I saw my first osprey which means warmer weather is on the way!
• Watching all the little songbirds at the bird feeders
• Having healthy children that can run and play
• Mack Daddy puppy grunts and groans
• Having hope today which is way more then I had this time last year
• Noon meetings at the Alano Club
• A God that has never left me even when I've turned away

What are you grateful for today?

Hey Y'All

Well, it's back to the craziness of lacrosse season. Practices 3 nights a week for each plus a dance class thrown in. Travel league try outs last Sunday and this Sunday for Trevor. It's hard getting back into the groove after the laziness of winter.

We've had a few days of warm weather, just enough to tease us. Of course today it's cold and dreary, a good day to be curled up with a good book and a warm blanket.

My 1 year AA anniversary is fast approaching. It's weird to sit in meetings and have people announce it. It makes me uncomfortable being the center of attention for that brief moment but I know it's not about me so I deal with it.

I had my first migraine ever last Friday and had even worse one on Saturday. I hope to God I never, ever get one again. I can't imagine being one that suffers with them often.

As you can tell, my life is pretty low key right now. It's funny how at times I find normal a bit boring.