Still Around

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been enjoying the summer with the kids.

Yes, I have 2 months as of August 8th. I am so grateful!

My marriage is good, actually better than it's been in many months.

Ally has been working all summer, she's managed to put almost $1,000 in her savings account. She's proven herself such a good worker that they have asked her to stay on when school starts.

Trevor is returning to public school. We can't pay the tuition any longer. Our financial future is extremely uncertain and after much thought we decided that we had no other choice. Trevor is ecstatic. The private school is giving us a little trouble, stating that we signed a contract, blah blah blah. We did sign a contract but nowhere in it does it state that the contract will be held if you remove your child before the school year begins. I start worrying every so often but I realize that God is in control and that all will ok.

Abby has spent the entire summer reading the Twilight series, she's now on her 2nd time through. She starts field hockey soon. Dance starts in September but she's dropping toe which means less money and less time.

As for me, I'm still working on getting healthy. I have tried a trial gluten free diet and then reintroduced gluten and I am returning to gluten free because I feel so much better.

Life is good.

Good

Life seems to be getting in the way of my blogging. In a good way so I can't complain.

I am still basking in the glow from my AA anniversary. I was not expecting the amount of people who came. When I pulled up to the church I was shocked at the amount of cars. I was nervous in a BIG way. But I got through it.

Things have been good and I'm trying to enjoy it.

I'm working on really living in the moment, no projecting, no making mountains out of mole hills. I'm working on trusting God and that He will always take care of me and that His will is way better then my own. Easier said then done but I'm trying.

Spring is trying to make it's appearance. Buds are on the trees, we've had some warm sunny days and I'm liking it.

I'm completely off Lyrica now that my back is so much better due to physical therapy and exercise. I took my first class in the pool last week and loved it. When I'm done physical therapy I'm going to join the gym so I can continue with all I've learned.

Lacrosse season started over the weekend so now my calendar is full of lacrosse practices and games.

Today is the noon meeting that I co-chair and I'm still pondering a topic. Tonight my friend Lisa celebrates 2 years.

As you can tell, my life is pretty normal right now. No drama, thank you God! and I'm trying to just be and not anticipate when the next shoe will drop.

Life is just good.

One Year

I've been trying to write a post today and I just can't. I can't seem to find the words.

I am just so grateful.

Ugh

The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.

Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.

Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.

What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.

So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.

But it is what it is.

I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!

I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.

I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.

Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.

I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.

WTF?

I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.

So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.

Catching Up Bullet Style

• Trevor hurt his knee at lacrosse practice Friday night
• We spent some time in the ER Saturday morning
• He was put on crutches with explicit instructions to not do anything until he was seen by an orthopedic doctor
• Trevor does not like to be still for long so it was a challenge
• He got in to see the orthopedic doctor, he was sent for an MRI, that machine is loud, wow
• He has a sprain of the lateral ligament or some such thing
• He can play no sports until he's seen again by the doctor next Tuesday
• No gym
• No playing football during recess
• No scrimmage game tomorrow night
• No tournament games this weekend
• He's only allowed to walk around
• He's one bummed out boy
• And I'm a little bummed too because I love watching him play
• However, we have to look on the bright side, his ACL is fine and so are all the other major ligaments and such
• On a totally different note, I will have 1 year next Tuesday
• ONE YEAR
• Nervous as hell about speaking so I try not to think about it

What Do You Think?

At the noon meeting yesterday a guy who has 19 years of sobriety said that he could sit on a keg of beer and have no desire to drink it. That he knows he could be completely alone in a brewery and not drink. He talked about the part in the BB, I think in A Vision For You where it says how we cease fighting everything and everyone. And how he doesn't fight alcohol anymore. He said that's what should happen if you are recovering/recovered, whatever. That he can go anywhere now because it's just not an issue, that he doesn't even think about drinking anymore because he no longer has an alcoholic mind.

This got me thinking and questioning. I can say that I don't fight alcohol anymore but do I think about it from time to time? Absolutely. I did fight the desire to drink every single day the first 4 months. I had to take it minute by minute. But thanks to the grace of God and working the steps, I don't struggle like that anymore.

But I do think about drinking every now and again.

And because I choose to not put myself in certain situations, does that make me not recovering? I thought that was protecting my sobriety.

I'd love to have your take on this.

Stepping On My Soapbox

I know I'm a newcomer but this is how I feel:

• During a meeting please don't sit and have your own private conversation, it's very distracting and disrespectful.
• When they tell you to silence your cell phones, DO IT!
• If for some reason you don't silence it, please turn it off when it starts to ring, don't let it continue to ring throughout the entire meeting.
• Can you maybe try and sit still during the entire meeting instead of getting up 4-5 times?

I am half deaf in my right ear so when someone is speaking I focus so I can read their lips and try to hear. Background noise makes it almost impossible for me to hear.

I guess I should be more compassionate. Maybe the people that get up over and over have a medical problem and they need to use the bathroom or something. It's always the same people.

And I know the meetings aren't all about me. But I'm there to listen and I'm finding myself getting more and more irritated by the almost constant disruptions.

Yes, I have PMS.

I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

Hey Y'All

Well, it's back to the craziness of lacrosse season. Practices 3 nights a week for each plus a dance class thrown in. Travel league try outs last Sunday and this Sunday for Trevor. It's hard getting back into the groove after the laziness of winter.

We've had a few days of warm weather, just enough to tease us. Of course today it's cold and dreary, a good day to be curled up with a good book and a warm blanket.

My 1 year AA anniversary is fast approaching. It's weird to sit in meetings and have people announce it. It makes me uncomfortable being the center of attention for that brief moment but I know it's not about me so I deal with it.

I had my first migraine ever last Friday and had even worse one on Saturday. I hope to God I never, ever get one again. I can't imagine being one that suffers with them often.

As you can tell, my life is pretty low key right now. It's funny how at times I find normal a bit boring.

New

On Tuesday at my womens meeting we read the last story in the Big Book. It talks about how AA teaches you how to not just stop drinking but how to stay stopped. The author talks about how AA taught him how to handle sobriety and how that was what he needed because he'd never been able to handle it before.

I remember when I first came into AA I thought it was just about not drinking. I had no concept of sobriety at all.

Thankfully I think I am slowly starting to grasp what sobriety is.

I feel like I'm at the entry way of something new. Not sure what it is but I'm open to it. I'm ready to live, to be. No more just existing from one day to the next.

Maybe it's just the depression lifting. I kind of feel like the daffodils that are just starting to poke through the earth.

Whatever it is, it's good.

What I've Been Doin'

• I've been spending time with my family, making more of an effort to be present
• JR and I are communicating or should I say learning to communicate more effectively? It's been good.
• I went to see the doctor on Tuesday, I'm on a new antidepressant and starting physical therapy this week to help with the stiffness and pain due to my fibromyalgia
• I've had 2 sick kids-viral throat infections
• I'm starting to address my issues with food, I've gone to a couple of OA meetings, my sponsor and I both feel I can go ahead with this now
• I hang out alot on Facebook, look me up if you're on there
• I will have one year on March 31st-I'm celebrating by having dinner at the local pizzeria, JR and the kids are coming and then I will share at my womens meeting
• I still can't believe it's almost been one year, wow
• Like it says in the Big Book, page 88-It works, it really does.

Fake It Till You Make It

I'm not very good at it.

Period.

You Know What?

If you stick around long enough the miracle does happen.

Starting your day off with God does make your day go better.

Working on a 4th step inventory is hard but worth it.

Having a sponsor that keeps it real is an awesome thing.

The truth will set you free but sometimes it might first piss you off.

As much as I'd like for everything to be all about me, it's just not.

Monday Stuff

The past week was one of those weeks that I'm glad to have behind me. It was like at every turn I had one situation after another.

I have never once thought that getting sober would make all my problems just disappear. Getting sober has been a gift full of wonderful things and I wouldn't trade all that I have learned.

However, when you're sober you're forced to actually feel and that is hard.

And with all that I have learned through AA I have come to see my unhealthy habits or ways of coping. I may not be drinking but I'm using other behaviors to try and dull the emotions and feelings that come with life.

I will have 1 year on March 31st. I don't know if I'm getting all squirrely because of that.

I sit in meetings and listen to those who say they don't even think about drinking, that they can be around alcohol and it doesn't bother them. Then I start to wonder if I'm doing something wrong or is that something that comes with time?

See, I still think about drinking. Not everyday but throw a tough situation my way and my brain goes to wanting to drink because I'm looking for an escape.

And I have been around alcohol a few times since getting sober and I didn't have to white knuckel my way through but I did find myself looking at the bottles of wine and watching people drink it. I didn't long for it but I was keenly aware of it's presence.

I have to be mindful. For instance, I still do not go to the one grocery store that is next to the liquor store that I went to all the time. I don't like to go there so I don't.

I know there is nothing wrong with that because I need to protect my sobriety at all costs. I'm not going to put myself in the line of fire.

I really want to live healthy. I'm tired of having to use food or whatever to escape.

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment on any blogs. I do read but right now, I just don't have much to say. I'm hurting, I'm a little scared and I just don't have much left over.

But through it all I'm remaining sober and for that I am grateful.

Back to the Real World

I am home from the convention.

I had a great time.

I am still trying to catch up on my sleep so I'll post more later.

See Ya In A Few

I've got alot to do to prepare for leaving for the weekend.

I'm leaving tomorrow at noon for the AA convention.

No husband.

No kids.

No puppy dog.

I'll fill you in when I get back. And hey y'all, behave.

What's Going On With Me

• Today is our first snow day of the school year and I couldn't be happier!
• I don't plan on getting out of my pjs until I have to
• Abby really is sick so now I feel about an inch high because I didn't believe her
• I went to the Big Book study last night and it was awesome
• The weather is supposed to be pretty nasty later tonight so I guess I'll have to drive the truck to the womens meeting
• I'm supposed to be going to dinner for a friend's celebration and I'm making the cake
• I guess at some point today I need to bake a cake
• Mack is not happy about the snow, he barked and growled at it and would not go out
• Have I mentioned how much I love that dog?
• I noticed on my sobriety counter that I have like 302 days now, wow!
• Saturday is 10 months

What's going on with you?

Monday Stuff

It's Monday. I was hoping to have the day to myself but it wasn't to be. Trevor is home sick-nasty head cold and sore throat. And Abby had a complete and utter meltdown this morning and I could not get her out the door short of physically doing so. I've never had any of my children behave that way and honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel keeping her home wasn't the best choice but I couldn't very well send her in the state she was in.

She's been having some problems with a couple of girls in her class. Nothing extreme but I know it's hard on her. She's been begging me to switch classes and I don't know if that is the right thing to do either. I've never done that before.

Basically I just don't know about anything right now.

I'm tired. I'm anxious. I had to leave a meeting Friday night because I thought I was going to throw up. Yesterday I went to a meeting and was sitting outside feeling the same way. I was starting to feel panicky and I wanted to leave, I didn't think I could stay. Thankfully my old sponsor and my friend Amy (who is one awesome AA) showed up and we sat outside in the freezing cold and Amy talked me through it. I was able to stay for the meeting and I felt better for it.

Thank God for good AA friends.

I know that nothing in God's world happens by mistake. I know that everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to. But man has this been hard. I've been working on my 4th step and this whole situation with Ally has brought up even more that I need to add to my list.

Today I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try and visit some blogs even if all I do is say hi. I'm going to work on the baby blanket I'm crocheting. I may even take a nap. I'm going to eat powdered sugar mini donuts and drink a cup of hot coffee. I'm going to drink diet coke or two. If nothing else comes up, I may attend the new Big Book study at the club.

I'm going to take care of me today.

Wednesday This & That

Well, it looks like I've been promoted in my service work for my Tuesday night women's meeting. I have been made the coffee and set up for the meeting since April. Starting the week after next I will be the new secretary. I was the secretary last night because the regular secretary was sick. I guess I did an ok job. I'm kind of nervous about it but in a way I'm looking forward to it.

I also just found out about a new intensive Big Book study on Monday nights that started on Monday. I plan on attending next Monday because I love the intensive study and I think it will help me secretary our women's Big Book study.

Tonight is the women's Step Meeting which has grown so much since I've been around. I found out last night about a new closed women's Step Meeting on Friday nights and I might try and attend that as well.

Basically I'm trying to broaden my horizons and get to some new meetings. I think that will help with this funk or whatever I've been in.

Today I am home with Trevor. I have a small list of things I would like to get done and then I'm going to spend some time on my 4th step work. I've been putting it off and it's time.

I feel at peace today, I know that God is guiding me and taking care of me. I just had to get out of His way.

Expecting Is Not Always Good

I want to thank all of you for your insight on my last post. It gave me alot to think about. I talked on the phone with a good friend last night, someone that I trust completely. She helped me to see that I'm disappointed. I am disappointed. I guess I expected more out of them because several of them have alot of sobriety. However, I need to remember they are human, just like me which means they are not perfect and I have no business expecting them to be. And I know that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. So I'm on a slippery slope here and I need to step off it.

There's a part of me that wonders if these people are even my friends. They probably are to the degree that they are able. And just because I wouldn't do that to someone, I shouldn't expect that they won't. See, there's that word again-expect.

I'm not sure yet what to do about the AA convention. I would hate to not go and miss out on what I'm told is an awesome experience. I think I will be fine as long as we're busy going to the convention and not sitting around the condo and having a gossipfest. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about that right now, I'm putting it in God's hands and I trust that everything will work out fine, even if it means I stay home.

I just got back from taking the kids to school. The house is quiet except for the snoring of my bulldog who is curled up next to me. I'm going into work soon, I told them I would be late. I need some alone time, some quiet time.

Today's Daily Reflections reading is so fitting I'm going to end my post with it:

"WE PAUSE.....AND ASK"

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I could respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend.

I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills-it is the unsuspected Inner Resource.

I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

One Long Winded Post

I've been introspective over the past week or so. I remember clearly this time last year. My drinking took a turn, I was no longer just binge drinking on the weekends anymore. I was starting to drink everyday.

I remember feeling so out of control, not wanting to drink but still drinking anyway. I remember the craziness of how I was going to get my alcohol, how I was going to be able to drink it without getting caught, how I was going to hide the evidence.

I remember how I hated to go to sleep and how I hated getting up in the morning even more. I remember the hopelessness. I remember thinking that my kids might be better off without me. I remember sitting at the busy highway I have to cross everyday and thinking that if I just inched my van out just a little in front of the big 18 wheelers flying past, I would no longer have to feel like I did.

I remember sitting in my bathroom on March 31st, trying to figure out how I was going to drink with Trevor being home. I was hungover, shaky and then I had this moment of clarity and I was able to honestly see what I was doing. I was taking medication with alcohol and that if I kept on there was a good chance I might not wake up one morning. I was drinking and driving with my children in the van. I was taking money that we needed for bills and buying alcohol which meant I had to hide our bills and money situation from JR. I was behaving like one who is suicidal.

I remember walking into my first AA meeting that very day.

And here I am today. I take my medication like I'm supposed to. I no longer drink and drive. I no longer sit at the highway contemplating pulling out in front of a speeding truck. I no longer spend our money on alcohol and I no longer have to hide our bills or money situation from JR, as a matter of fact I handed over the bills to him because it was the best thing to do.

I have hope today.

I do feel sad when I think back to last year. I feel sad for the lost soul that I was.

But then if I hadn't gone through all that I wouldn't be where I am today.

I mentioned in a post about the situation I'm having with some of my friends. Basically I have my sponsor and then I have this other group. This other group I've come to find out don't care for my sponsor. And while I know my sponsor is not perfect, neither are they. And my sponsor does not bash any of those people to me. But they don't hesitate to bash her in front of me. And it makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it even makes me a little pissed.

About once a month this group of people get together and I'm always invited. We do have a good time together but I've come to see the gossip that takes place which leaves me feeling uneasy, almost like I've participated in the gossiping by being there.

At the end of this month is a big AA convention in Ocean City, MD and I'm supposed to room with this group for an entire weekend. We planned this months ago, way before my sponsor now was my sponsor. I have been looking forward to this convention for a long time and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right thing for me to do.

I don't feel like I can talk with my sponsor about this because I don't want to tell her what has been said. I know it would upset her and I don't want to cause any more problems between them.

My sponsor has been nothing but good to me since the day I met her. She took me right under her wing and made me feel welcome. She's been sober 29 years and I respect her program and all the advice she has ever given me. When we went over my steps 1, 2 and 3 a couple of weeks ago, I felt even more sure that she is the sponsor for me. And I hate how this other group, particularly one woman feels that I'm better off with someone else.

This situation has made me look at my program and I'm starting to wonder if I'm looking to AA to be more of a social thing. I mean, isn't it good to hang out with your friends in AA? To have fun sober with those in AA?

Today I had my Southern Living At Home party, my sponsor's daughter was the consultant and do you know that none of the people from the other group came and I know it was because my sponsor was going to be there. I actually had one woman (who is not someone I hang out with but she is a part of the "other" group) give me back my invitation when she found out who the consultant was. I found that a bit rude but I just let it go because honestly, I only invited her to be polite.

But you know, we had such a good time today. It was relaxed and comfortable. We laughed, we ate, it was wonderful. I'm glad none of them showed up because it wouldn't have been that way.

One of the better parts of today was that JR and my kids got to meet alot of the women they hear me mention. I could see JR relax as he realized these are good women and that we all really do care about each other. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law came too and they got to see the same thing.

So while I am feeling a bit conflicted, I had a really good day. And I get $200 free to spend on anything I want just because I had a party, I think that made JR even happier!

And if you have stayed and read this blong (I stole that word from steve-a-roni, thanks!!), well, God bless you.