Friday, March 27, 2009

Ugh

The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.

Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.

Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.

What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.

So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.

But it is what it is.

I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!

I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.

I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.

Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.

I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.

WTF?

I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.

So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.

7 comments:

molly said...

i relate to the rebellious teenager part. sometimes the body grows older but the emotionality stays the same in some areas of life. we all develop differently.

when i read the part about the family confronting you and smoking - i thought 'gosh, they really must care about her' and i felt a sweetness. easy for me though when i am not the one being 'caught' though right?! one approach is defense and how dare you !! the other could be 'you know, actually, thank you for telling me - i've been concerned about me smoking too. what do you think i should do about it?' and be open to suggestions. you could consider the different things they say and decide if it is worth it or not for you.

the sponsor situation - sounds like you already know the answer. when i changed sponsors i simply said 'thank you for all of your help - however, what feels right to me now is to seek someone new and get another perspective'. I thought she would have been mad but she agreed we had outgrown each other at that time - it wasn't personal. Who knows - a new sponsor may give a refreshing perspective. I'm sure you'll be fine no matter what!

Queenneenee said...

Keep on truckin girl. That year is gonna feel great, I promise you! I smoke too and my son hates it. He gets on me all the time, and he is RIGHT. Thats the next thing to go. Even before the weight I need to lose. Ciggie butts first then my big BUTT! lol

Kristin H. said...

The sponsor comment was a little out of left field, no? Definitely a WTF statement.

One year is very exciting!

rcali4233 said...

we all get down on our self from time to time. don't let it eat at you, do something good for you. think of the great things being sober has given you this past year. besides there have not been any hangovers in the past year that's a big bones(me trying to be funny)

clean and crazy said...

wow, i haven't called my sponsor in over a week. As for you little one and disappointment I know what you feel my oldest cannot play soccer for a week. she is heartbroken. as for the hiding smoking and destructive behavior you are an alcoholic, it is your nature to be self destructive, the key is to be able to see this and then do something about it if you so choose. plus it is soooo normal to be squirelly on your birthday don't even sweat it!! and don't give up on your sponsor, just tell her how you feel, it is your alcoholic inside trying to sabotage the relationship, don't let it. take care..

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Wow, lots going on...I hid my smoking too, I'd been an on and off smoker for years...now I am off...the sponsor thing???? Yah, kinda odd!

It sounds like you know what the next step may be for you...I had a strong first sponsor and I had to fire her and get the next sponsor who could more relate to me and I her, it made working the steps a better and stronger commitment for me.

steveroni said...

Tyra, unless there's lots of stuff going on other than what you wrote about here--well you pretty normal-sounding to me! But, how should I know? What do I know about normal?

We ARE a lot of "know-it-alls" on here, and I guess blogs are as good a place as any to unload stuff--I sure do that!

But usefly and correct advice is difficult w/o/being eyeball--to--eyeball.

When I cooperate with God, chances are, I'll be OK.