The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.
Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.
Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.
What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.
So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.
But it is what it is.
I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!
I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.
I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.
Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.
I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.
I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.
So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.
Song from the Silence
16 hours ago