I had a wonderful time at the convention. Lots of laughter, lots of fellowship, just what I needed.
I returned home tired, 6 hours sleep in 2 days was just not enough.
I also came home to a daughter that is falling apart. My sweet Abigail. My baby.
I've had 2 phone calls about her not doing certain projects. Her teacher is concerned because she appears withdrawn, just not herself.
I have to make her go to school, we are usually late because it's all I can do to get her out of the house.
She is extremely clingy, she hates for me to leave to go to meetings.
I don't really know what is going on. I know she's had some problems with a couple of girls in class, girls she thought were her friends. Being the sensitive girl she is, it's been very hard for her. Short of removing her from the class and putting her with a new teacher (which I don't want to do because the teacher she has is the best one in the 5th grade), I just don't know what to do.
I've started reading to her every night before bed. We are making our way through a book of classic stories and ever since we've been doing that, she is sleeping in her room no problem. And we both enjoy the alone time.
I'm carrying some guilt with all this. She is my 3rd child and sometimes I think she got the short end of the stick. I had postpartum depression after she was born. My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when she was a baby. The demands of having 3 children and a sick mother didn't leave me alot of extra time. I was depressed and though I was there physically, emotionally I was distant.
And then Mom died and I started drinking again and became severely depressed. I withdrew from everyone.
She was just a little girl.
Here we are now, I'm trying to work on my sobriety and handle all the demands of life. I try to find balance whatever that is. And I think she has gotten lost somewhere along the way. I've been so consumed with myself for most of her life, between being depressed and then in active addiction.
I never took the time to see that I matter to this little girl. For so long I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me, that I really wasn't that important. I guess I did that to justify my actions.
Maybe this is just one of those layers of the onion being peeled away. I can see the consequences to my decisions.
Thankfully I'm seeing it now and I can help her. I'm not really sure what to do other than just be here for her, spend time with her. Now that my eyes are open I can see how she's been crying out to me for months and I either was unable to see it or didn't want to see it.
You see, sometimes it's all I can do just to take care of myself. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I have nothing left over. But that's not fair to any of my children or JR.
Just like with my sobriety I'm going to take this one day at a time and ask God to guide me.
We have a snow day today so we're hanging out at home. I'm getting ready to make lunch, then we're going to bake cookies. I'm going to take advantage of the day God has given me.
Song from the Silence
16 hours ago