Thursday, February 12, 2009

Marriage Stuff

I have learned that my happiness is up to me. What do you do when someone you love doesn't see that the same applies to him?

How do I not give in to my codependent behaviors and drive myself crazy trying to make him happy? I know I can't do that anymore because it only causes me to feel resentful and just as the Big Book says-resentment is the number one offender for alcoholics.

It makes me so sad to see him unhappy. I know that work is stressful and our future is a bit scary. It scares me too but I've got the tools to work through it. He doesn't.

I try to be understanding, I try to be compassionate. But it's hard. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of never knowing what mood he is going to be in. I'm mad at myself for always feeling the need to gauge his moods then I get mad at him because I feel that way.

I don't know how to be nice when he's moody. I just want to run away from it.

I hate the awkwardness between us. It makes me sad.

How did we get here?

9 comments:

Sarah said...

I think we live the same life, just states apart. I agree with you, I have often said that everyone should have a 12 step program!!

My husband is never happy either. And I am slowly trying to come to terms with that. It's hard, ain't it?

Indigo said...

(Hugs) It's never easy hon when both are working a program or one is and the other isn't. All you can do is keep your side of the street clean and hope he gets it by example. Some days when all else fails, just love them. (Hugs)Indigo

vicariousrising said...

You don't have to be nice when he's in a bad mood. It is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him that when he is surly, you need to choose space away from him for both your sakes. It is not you ignoring his needs, it is you not making unnecessary reactions to his behavior that you have no control over that makes you feel hurt and/or helpless.

Prayer Girl said...

I know and sponsor a lot of girls whose loved ones choose not to seek recovery.

You say at the end, "How did we get here?" I don't know your exact situation, but alcoholism is a family disease so the alcoholic and those who love or live with the alcoholic are sick too. Remember also that it is a disease of denial.

Just keep doing the next right thing for you, try to detach with love, and you might consider trying some Al-Anon meetings.

We are powerless over so many things - our alcoholism, other people, places, and things.

And, oh yes, don't forget to pray.

steveroni said...

Tyra, Hello!

I hope the following does not disturb you too much. Probably nothing you don't already know.

Please understand I was not even going to comment--I didn't know what to write, then my fingers started pecking away at the keys.

Tyra I have not talked to you for a long time. But I wanted you to know, I have experienced all the following:

I am a drunk (well, not now!)

I am the one for whom you walked on eggshells.

I am the one who hid from you behind my different moods

I am the one who was so fearful, that it drove you crazy (me, too!)

I am the one you tried to make happy. You will NEVER succeed in "making me" happy. My happiness can NEVER come from you, it has to come from within ME.

I am he who will never admit that (about happiness.)

I am he who made you think I was unhappy. I was really just afraid, SO very afraid. Even afraid to admit it to myself!

I am he who led you to believe I am stressed...well, I am, but not why you think e.g., work...

I am he who 'enjoyed' when you resented me...it validated what I wanted to know--you should be giving me MORE! (See next.)

"MORE of WHAT"? I am he who does not know.

I am he who does not want you to be nice to me, for then I might have to reciprocate.

I am he who refuses to seek counseling, or to enter a suitable program. I fear someone will find out what a phony I am. Someone will get to "know me".

I am probably the sickest person you know at this time.

I will not be happy until I'm SURE you are sicker than me.

I refuse to acknowledge that we BOTH need serious help. Maybe you, certainly not ME!

I am telling you, we'll either split up some day (soon?) or try to kill one another. Whatever.

Sincerely,
A brief Look Inside My Mind,
Your S.O.????

Submitted by Steve E. (sober in A.A. since March 18,1974)

Shadow said...

man, i don't know. i feel the same toward my husband when he gets moody/anger/etc. etc. we had a chat the other day and he said, no insisted, that whatever his mood, his words are NOT directed at me (unless of course i f*&%ed up) and i shouldn't accept them as such. but to know it and to feel it is not quite the same thing. good luck girlie... one day....

Cat said...

I so wish I did not get this post, but like you I teeter and totter on the fence of my marriage and the commmittment I made long ago.

I have a friend who belives that people only marry to procreate and that after 5 years or so the throb8 of love really is over and staying married is hard work. But she of course never factored into the equation staying married through recovery.

I finally had that talk with my husband - who is in AA but was resistant to family counseling. Basically I ahd to be sure I was going to follow through if he chose not to attend the family sessions - but he says he will attend and I guess what I am trying to say is, maybe sit your husband down and tell him how important it is to you that he begin his own recovery. If not that then maybe he would consider marriage counseling?

Hang in there - I know its tought right now.
Cat

clean and crazy said...

i know how you feel, sometimes i swear i just want to take my Wes's inventory and slap him in the face with it. I get so mad at him for not reaching out sometimes and my sponsor tells me it is not about him, it is about me. Then she says you love him don't you, of course I do. So then I need to admit my powerlessness and let it go what ever it is. I put it in my GOD BOX and try to let it go. I know he needs a sponsor but it is not my business to change him, just to love him right where he is at, and to have faith that it will be OK.
So I feel ya girl, and I will be taking a weekend off to spend with my family and I am so happy to not be responsible for my honeys recovery, it makes it easier to just love him. Remember the first step and all will be well, as soon as you figure out that you are not responsible for his recovery it will be easier to love him right where he is at.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

This is a difficult place for all of us, for various reasons, I think that I noticed in the comments that it was/is not an uncommon place. I am the one like Steve said that you have these feelings toward and I understand how much my DH has gone through, but I also know that my DH cannot make me happy, thin, rich, wonderful, a good person, only I can and conversely, only he can do what he needs to do in order to be well himself. I tend to my back yard and my garden and he tends to his...

Sending hugs,
G