Monday, February 9, 2009

Monday Stuff

The past week was one of those weeks that I'm glad to have behind me. It was like at every turn I had one situation after another.

I have never once thought that getting sober would make all my problems just disappear. Getting sober has been a gift full of wonderful things and I wouldn't trade all that I have learned.

However, when you're sober you're forced to actually feel and that is hard.

And with all that I have learned through AA I have come to see my unhealthy habits or ways of coping. I may not be drinking but I'm using other behaviors to try and dull the emotions and feelings that come with life.

I will have 1 year on March 31st. I don't know if I'm getting all squirrely because of that.

I sit in meetings and listen to those who say they don't even think about drinking, that they can be around alcohol and it doesn't bother them. Then I start to wonder if I'm doing something wrong or is that something that comes with time?

See, I still think about drinking. Not everyday but throw a tough situation my way and my brain goes to wanting to drink because I'm looking for an escape.

And I have been around alcohol a few times since getting sober and I didn't have to white knuckel my way through but I did find myself looking at the bottles of wine and watching people drink it. I didn't long for it but I was keenly aware of it's presence.

I have to be mindful. For instance, I still do not go to the one grocery store that is next to the liquor store that I went to all the time. I don't like to go there so I don't.

I know there is nothing wrong with that because I need to protect my sobriety at all costs. I'm not going to put myself in the line of fire.

I really want to live healthy. I'm tired of having to use food or whatever to escape.

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment on any blogs. I do read but right now, I just don't have much to say. I'm hurting, I'm a little scared and I just don't have much left over.

But through it all I'm remaining sober and for that I am grateful.


Shadow said...

heading for one year, that's major. well done girl. and you're right, protect yourself at all costs.

molly said...

non-alcoholics THINK of drinks and they can choose to pick up or not. sounds to me that you are more worried that you are thinking about it than actually doing it. that's normal. there is NOTHING wrong with THINKING of a drink. 'normal' drinkers desire drinks. alcoholics DRINK - no matter what. try not to fall into a trap of 'i'm thinking of a drink and that means i'm doing something wrong'. to that, i would ask: ARE YOU SURE? are you sure you are doing something 'wrong'? The 1st 100 members basically say - do these steps and you RECOVER. Not until step 10 does it mention anything about 'we will seldom be interested in liquor.. we are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.' etc. there are step 10 promises on p85-86. much to look forward to right?!

keep on keeping on with the steps is all. you are fine!

this is not an overnight matter!

'We must do the work to prove our fears groundless; otherwise it is our fears that will gain ground and our lives will be spent in their service.' from The Essential Laws of Fearless Living by Guy Finley.

back to work!

Indigo said...

Whenever I hear people in meetings say I no longer think of Alcohol, my first impulse is to say liar. Yes, they do they're in a meeting to not only work the program but to keep their recovery solid.

I don't think they're necessarily lying persay. It's more like a second nature over time not to be aware or want to give in to the alcohol.

In all honesty you still have drunk dreams at night, every once in a while (as you pointed out)when life gets a little preoccupied or chaotic you think about that drink. We all do. I'm close to my 5 year mark and every once in a while I see a bottle of wine and my stomach does loops. Paul my husband has close to 20 years behind him, he has a drunk dream here and there.

At the end of the day the true effort is not giving in and taking that drink. Does it get easier in time...absolutely. You don't magically become cured of your Alcoholism after a year, or a lifetime.

In other words dear friend, your right where you need to be today. (Hugs)Indigo

vicariousrising said...

I don't have cravings for alcohol, but when it's around, I'm sure aware of it. I don't really have an issue with people drinking around me, but I do feel edgier when there is Chardonnay around because that was my poison. If I'm in an uncomfortable social situation, it's that more itchy for me, but I can't say it's an urge.

I do have drunk dreams, which seriously suck. Most of the time they don't even involve the actual drinking part, just all the afterwards. So in a way, that's not so bad.

I don't think there's a wrong way to do AA so long as you are being rigorously honest with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. You have no idea how honest they are being. Trust your guts.

clean and crazy said...

How awesome!! the miracle year!! of course your squirrely girl. You are right where you need to be. it is normal to think about it. Imagine if you were a professional golfer, and you golfed everyday for 20 years. Then you quit, do you think it would be normal to think about golfing? Of course it would. I bet you would even have golfing dreams too. It would be bothersome to hear others saying they don't think about it, that my freind is called denial.

steveroni said...

Met a guy today who announced at a meeting that he's soner for 17 YEARS...and still thinks about drinking--but has not taken one. There are those also, who from day ONE did not think about it agaim.

I'm 34 years sober, BUT I had ONE DAY during 2008 when i thought of taking a drink. Outside influences, of course--gotta blame SOME one!