One Year

I've been trying to write a post today and I just can't. I can't seem to find the words.

I am just so grateful.

Ugh

The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.

Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.

Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.

What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.

So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.

But it is what it is.

I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!

I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.

I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.

Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.

I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.

WTF?

I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.

So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.

Catching Up Bullet Style

• Trevor hurt his knee at lacrosse practice Friday night
• We spent some time in the ER Saturday morning
• He was put on crutches with explicit instructions to not do anything until he was seen by an orthopedic doctor
• Trevor does not like to be still for long so it was a challenge
• He got in to see the orthopedic doctor, he was sent for an MRI, that machine is loud, wow
• He has a sprain of the lateral ligament or some such thing
• He can play no sports until he's seen again by the doctor next Tuesday
• No gym
• No playing football during recess
• No scrimmage game tomorrow night
• No tournament games this weekend
• He's only allowed to walk around
• He's one bummed out boy
• And I'm a little bummed too because I love watching him play
• However, we have to look on the bright side, his ACL is fine and so are all the other major ligaments and such
• On a totally different note, I will have 1 year next Tuesday
• ONE YEAR
• Nervous as hell about speaking so I try not to think about it

What Do You Think?

At the noon meeting yesterday a guy who has 19 years of sobriety said that he could sit on a keg of beer and have no desire to drink it. That he knows he could be completely alone in a brewery and not drink. He talked about the part in the BB, I think in A Vision For You where it says how we cease fighting everything and everyone. And how he doesn't fight alcohol anymore. He said that's what should happen if you are recovering/recovered, whatever. That he can go anywhere now because it's just not an issue, that he doesn't even think about drinking anymore because he no longer has an alcoholic mind.

This got me thinking and questioning. I can say that I don't fight alcohol anymore but do I think about it from time to time? Absolutely. I did fight the desire to drink every single day the first 4 months. I had to take it minute by minute. But thanks to the grace of God and working the steps, I don't struggle like that anymore.

But I do think about drinking every now and again.

And because I choose to not put myself in certain situations, does that make me not recovering? I thought that was protecting my sobriety.

I'd love to have your take on this.

Stepping On My Soapbox

I know I'm a newcomer but this is how I feel:

• During a meeting please don't sit and have your own private conversation, it's very distracting and disrespectful.
• When they tell you to silence your cell phones, DO IT!
• If for some reason you don't silence it, please turn it off when it starts to ring, don't let it continue to ring throughout the entire meeting.
• Can you maybe try and sit still during the entire meeting instead of getting up 4-5 times?

I am half deaf in my right ear so when someone is speaking I focus so I can read their lips and try to hear. Background noise makes it almost impossible for me to hear.

I guess I should be more compassionate. Maybe the people that get up over and over have a medical problem and they need to use the bathroom or something. It's always the same people.

And I know the meetings aren't all about me. But I'm there to listen and I'm finding myself getting more and more irritated by the almost constant disruptions.

Yes, I have PMS.

I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

Complication

You know, I really think I'm starting to get this turn it all over to God and let Him run the show thing.

It's really that simple.

But yet, being the good alcoholic that I am, I take something so very simple and complicate the hell out of it.

I turn my will over and then yank it back. It's a wonder I can lift my arms for all the yanking I do.

I'm still not comfortable chairing meetings. I feel like I stumble over my words, I go blank, I don't make any sense. I don't want to say the wrong thing. Am I complicating it? Probably.

Today is supposed to get into the 60's, I hope so. My aching body needs some warmth. I am glad that I have managed to walk twice this week while at the park during Abby's lacrosse practices. I get discouraged when I see just how out of shape I have become but I can't focus on that. I need to focus on the positive and how I've walked twice this week which is more than last week. Progress....

Life Lessons

What other people think of me is really none of my business. While I would certainly like for everyone to like me, it's just not going to happen. I used to sell my soul in order to be accepted and then spend hours upon hours plotting revenge against those who didn't accept me.

But man, let someone talk about one of my babies. Grrr...the momma bear in me just comes out.

I will pray for those girls like the BB suggests. Even though I won't really mean it.

Today I'm Grateful:

• My mini daffodils have bloomed
• Gas went down 6 cents
• I saw my first osprey which means warmer weather is on the way!
• Watching all the little songbirds at the bird feeders
• Having healthy children that can run and play
• Mack Daddy puppy grunts and groans
• Having hope today which is way more then I had this time last year
• Noon meetings at the Alano Club
• A God that has never left me even when I've turned away

What are you grateful for today?

Hey Y'All

Well, it's back to the craziness of lacrosse season. Practices 3 nights a week for each plus a dance class thrown in. Travel league try outs last Sunday and this Sunday for Trevor. It's hard getting back into the groove after the laziness of winter.

We've had a few days of warm weather, just enough to tease us. Of course today it's cold and dreary, a good day to be curled up with a good book and a warm blanket.

My 1 year AA anniversary is fast approaching. It's weird to sit in meetings and have people announce it. It makes me uncomfortable being the center of attention for that brief moment but I know it's not about me so I deal with it.

I had my first migraine ever last Friday and had even worse one on Saturday. I hope to God I never, ever get one again. I can't imagine being one that suffers with them often.

As you can tell, my life is pretty low key right now. It's funny how at times I find normal a bit boring.

New

On Tuesday at my womens meeting we read the last story in the Big Book. It talks about how AA teaches you how to not just stop drinking but how to stay stopped. The author talks about how AA taught him how to handle sobriety and how that was what he needed because he'd never been able to handle it before.

I remember when I first came into AA I thought it was just about not drinking. I had no concept of sobriety at all.

Thankfully I think I am slowly starting to grasp what sobriety is.

I feel like I'm at the entry way of something new. Not sure what it is but I'm open to it. I'm ready to live, to be. No more just existing from one day to the next.

Maybe it's just the depression lifting. I kind of feel like the daffodils that are just starting to poke through the earth.

Whatever it is, it's good.

What I've Been Doin'

• I've been spending time with my family, making more of an effort to be present
• JR and I are communicating or should I say learning to communicate more effectively? It's been good.
• I went to see the doctor on Tuesday, I'm on a new antidepressant and starting physical therapy this week to help with the stiffness and pain due to my fibromyalgia
• I've had 2 sick kids-viral throat infections
• I'm starting to address my issues with food, I've gone to a couple of OA meetings, my sponsor and I both feel I can go ahead with this now
• I hang out alot on Facebook, look me up if you're on there
• I will have one year on March 31st-I'm celebrating by having dinner at the local pizzeria, JR and the kids are coming and then I will share at my womens meeting
• I still can't believe it's almost been one year, wow
• Like it says in the Big Book, page 88-It works, it really does.