Yesterday I took my friend Lisa to Johns Hopkins Hospital for another biopsy
We had to leave at 5am which meant I had to get up by 3am
I did not get to sleep until 12am
I didn't get home until almost 6pm
It was a long, long day
I did manage to crochet a hat and start another one
My fibromyalia was in full gear
But it has been all week, gotta love hormones
I noticed that it's starting to affect my fingers
Which is why I'm really going to keep crocheting
I'm tired of being so damn stiff, sometimes my back feels like a block of wood
Mack has to have eye surgery-his lower lids are turning inward, I wish I'd known this was coming because I would've waited to have him neutered and done it all at once-putting bullies to sleep isn't always a good thing
I'm going to the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my medications-thinking a change in my antidepressant is in order
Today my son and oldest daughter were fighting and my son told her that acceptance was the answer
I have a major F it attitude last night. F being sober, F AA, F it all. If there had been alcohol in my home I would've drank it. But thank God I keep my home completely alcohol free.
My mood today wasn't much better.
I talked to a good friend who has similiar problems and I value her advice. And while I did leave the conversation feeling better, I was still all up in my head, projecting all kinds of stuff.
I wasn't going to go to any meetings because I just didn't feel like facing anyone. But after dinner I realized I needed to get to one. So I got changed in a hurry and rushed off. I was able to talk with another good friend afterwards and we sat in her car and she was sharing with me about some struggles she's having. It was nice getting out of my own head and helping her.
I came home feeling better, more optimistic.
But JR was already in bed which bothered me because I was hoping we could talk a little. I decided to let it go, read Abby a story, got her settled in to bed and then got on the computer.
And in my inbox was an email from him. He is a man of little words but he put his heart in that short email.
I have learned that my happiness is up to me. What do you do when someone you love doesn't see that the same applies to him?
How do I not give in to my codependent behaviors and drive myself crazy trying to make him happy? I know I can't do that anymore because it only causes me to feel resentful and just as the Big Book says-resentment is the number one offender for alcoholics.
It makes me so sad to see him unhappy. I know that work is stressful and our future is a bit scary. It scares me too but I've got the tools to work through it. He doesn't.
I try to be understanding, I try to be compassionate. But it's hard. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of never knowing what mood he is going to be in. I'm mad at myself for always feeling the need to gauge his moods then I get mad at him because I feel that way.
I don't know how to be nice when he's moody. I just want to run away from it.
I hate the awkwardness between us. It makes me sad.
The past week was one of those weeks that I'm glad to have behind me. It was like at every turn I had one situation after another.
I have never once thought that getting sober would make all my problems just disappear. Getting sober has been a gift full of wonderful things and I wouldn't trade all that I have learned.
However, when you're sober you're forced to actually feel and that is hard.
And with all that I have learned through AA I have come to see my unhealthy habits or ways of coping. I may not be drinking but I'm using other behaviors to try and dull the emotions and feelings that come with life.
I will have 1 year on March 31st. I don't know if I'm getting all squirrely because of that.
I sit in meetings and listen to those who say they don't even think about drinking, that they can be around alcohol and it doesn't bother them. Then I start to wonder if I'm doing something wrong or is that something that comes with time?
See, I still think about drinking. Not everyday but throw a tough situation my way and my brain goes to wanting to drink because I'm looking for an escape.
And I have been around alcohol a few times since getting sober and I didn't have to white knuckel my way through but I did find myself looking at the bottles of wine and watching people drink it. I didn't long for it but I was keenly aware of it's presence.
I have to be mindful. For instance, I still do not go to the one grocery store that is next to the liquor store that I went to all the time. I don't like to go there so I don't.
I know there is nothing wrong with that because I need to protect my sobriety at all costs. I'm not going to put myself in the line of fire.
I really want to live healthy. I'm tired of having to use food or whatever to escape.
I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment on any blogs. I do read but right now, I just don't have much to say. I'm hurting, I'm a little scared and I just don't have much left over.
But through it all I'm remaining sober and for that I am grateful.
I had a wonderful time at the convention. Lots of laughter, lots of fellowship, just what I needed.
I returned home tired, 6 hours sleep in 2 days was just not enough.
I also came home to a daughter that is falling apart. My sweet Abigail. My baby.
I've had 2 phone calls about her not doing certain projects. Her teacher is concerned because she appears withdrawn, just not herself.
I have to make her go to school, we are usually late because it's all I can do to get her out of the house.
She is extremely clingy, she hates for me to leave to go to meetings.
I don't really know what is going on. I know she's had some problems with a couple of girls in class, girls she thought were her friends. Being the sensitive girl she is, it's been very hard for her. Short of removing her from the class and putting her with a new teacher (which I don't want to do because the teacher she has is the best one in the 5th grade), I just don't know what to do.
I've started reading to her every night before bed. We are making our way through a book of classic stories and ever since we've been doing that, she is sleeping in her room no problem. And we both enjoy the alone time.
I'm carrying some guilt with all this. She is my 3rd child and sometimes I think she got the short end of the stick. I had postpartum depression after she was born. My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when she was a baby. The demands of having 3 children and a sick mother didn't leave me alot of extra time. I was depressed and though I was there physically, emotionally I was distant.
And then Mom died and I started drinking again and became severely depressed. I withdrew from everyone.
She was just a little girl.
Here we are now, I'm trying to work on my sobriety and handle all the demands of life. I try to find balance whatever that is. And I think she has gotten lost somewhere along the way. I've been so consumed with myself for most of her life, between being depressed and then in active addiction.
I never took the time to see that I matter to this little girl. For so long I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me, that I really wasn't that important. I guess I did that to justify my actions.
Maybe this is just one of those layers of the onion being peeled away. I can see the consequences to my decisions.
Thankfully I'm seeing it now and I can help her. I'm not really sure what to do other than just be here for her, spend time with her. Now that my eyes are open I can see how she's been crying out to me for months and I either was unable to see it or didn't want to see it.
You see, sometimes it's all I can do just to take care of myself. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I have nothing left over. But that's not fair to any of my children or JR.
Just like with my sobriety I'm going to take this one day at a time and ask God to guide me.
We have a snow day today so we're hanging out at home. I'm getting ready to make lunch, then we're going to bake cookies. I'm going to take advantage of the day God has given me.