2008 has been quite a year.
I started the year off having just buried my father.
2 weeks later Ally's best friend's mother died. KC was staying with us and I was with KC when she found out her mom had passed. Vicky's death impacted me more then I ever could have imagined.
I got a puppy-my Mack.
My drinking progressed. I was depressed, full of anxiety, miserable.
I joined AA and got sober.
My baby turned 10.
I turned 36.
I wondered if my marriage was going to survive.
I missed my parents.
I found out I had fibromyalgia.
I had my first holiday season without my parents.
And here I am, getting ready to put an end to this year and start the new one. It hasn't been an easy year but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't change one single thing because if I changed it, I might not have what I have now.
What was the biggest thing for you this year?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sick but Happy
I'm still here, still sick but hey, I'm still sober too. Tomorrow I will have 9 months y'all, 9 months!!
This cold is kicking my butt. I cough and cough and cough. My nose is red and sore because I blow my nose, blow my nose, blow my nose. I'm in a lot of pain, I guess being sick has caused my fibromyalgia to flare. Mornings are the worst, my hips and legs just about drive me crazy. But once the lyrica and ibuprofen kick in, it's manageable.
I got up early yesterday and dragged myself to an early meeting. I looked and felt like hell but I needed a meeting. I also managed to load the dishwasher, fold and put away laundry that had been clean for days and I went to the grocery store.
Tonight I have my womens meeting that I set up and make the coffee. I am going, Lord willling and the creek don't rise (as my mom used to say).
Today I am grateful for a warm cup of coffee, my dog snuggled up next to me, kids that sleep in the living room with me even though I'm sick and most of all, my sobriety.
What's going on with you today?
This cold is kicking my butt. I cough and cough and cough. My nose is red and sore because I blow my nose, blow my nose, blow my nose. I'm in a lot of pain, I guess being sick has caused my fibromyalgia to flare. Mornings are the worst, my hips and legs just about drive me crazy. But once the lyrica and ibuprofen kick in, it's manageable.
I got up early yesterday and dragged myself to an early meeting. I looked and felt like hell but I needed a meeting. I also managed to load the dishwasher, fold and put away laundry that had been clean for days and I went to the grocery store.
Tonight I have my womens meeting that I set up and make the coffee. I am going, Lord willling and the creek don't rise (as my mom used to say).
Today I am grateful for a warm cup of coffee, my dog snuggled up next to me, kids that sleep in the living room with me even though I'm sick and most of all, my sobriety.
What's going on with you today?
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sick Day
I am sick. I've managed to catch the cold that both Abby and JR had. And to make matters worse, I also managed to catch a stomach bug as well.
I won't go into great detail but let's just say that I may have to get my van professionally detailed. Next time I will just open the door rather than try to get the window down in time.
Gross, I know.
So I've sat around and laid around all day. I've got a fever so I go from hot to cold then back again. My hips are hurting like crazy, I guess being sick has caused me to have a flare (fibromyalgia).
I'm feeling tired again so I'm going to curl up and try to read.
I won't go into great detail but let's just say that I may have to get my van professionally detailed. Next time I will just open the door rather than try to get the window down in time.
Gross, I know.
So I've sat around and laid around all day. I've got a fever so I go from hot to cold then back again. My hips are hurting like crazy, I guess being sick has caused me to have a flare (fibromyalgia).
I'm feeling tired again so I'm going to curl up and try to read.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Late Friday Ramblings
Well, it looks like I have managed to get through the holidays sober and reasonably sane. I know technically the holidays aren't over but New Year's Eve and Day are really no different than any other day for me. We don't usually go anywhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is all about football.
As much as I would like to be completely positive and upbeat, you know me well enough to know that I don't roll that way. At least not here anyway.
Christmas Eve I was a mess. I had to work which I never do on Christmas Eve, I'm usually home getting ready for my family to converge, hungry and looking for food. I got up early and hit a meeting first because I could tell from the moment my eyes opened that I was feeling rather squirrely. So I worked for a little while and found myself finding things to do so I didn't have to leave. I still needed to run to the store for meatballs and hot sauce even though I had been to the store the night before, with a list and still forget them.
Because I procrastinated and took so long, my sister, her 18 month old step-grandson, her son and step-son were already at my house when I got home. I swear when Trevor called and told me they were there, my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew my house was a wreck because I had been putting off getting it "exactly so". Blah, blah,blah.
Now add to all this the fact that I have not been sleeping. I've been sleeping on the couch for days because I'm up half the night, tossing and turning. So I'm tired down to my bones.
Somehow I got through Christmas Eve. By the time everyone left I was so done but we had all the gifts for the kids to wrap. The wrapping didn't take nearly as long as usual because we stuck to such a strict budget this year, there wasn't as much. And you know, I was worried the kids would be disappointed but they weren't. We had told them before hand that "Santa" was on a budget and to only put things they really, really wanted on their lists and that's just what they did. I thought that I would have a hard time keeping a budget but it wasn't hard at all and I liked that it forced me to be more thoughtful as to what I bought.
Christmas morning was wonderful. The kids opened their gifts. I cooked a big, protein filled breakfast to make up for all the sugar and carbs we'd consumed the day before. Then we settled in and chilled out. It was nice and relaxing.
I didn't want to get dressed or go anywhere but tradition is going to my in-laws for dinner so off we went at 5pm. I was a bit grumpy and I regret that. Dinner was good, as always and my in-laws bought the kids a Wii and they were so happy because they didn't think they were getting one.
Today is JR's birthday. The girls made him a cupcake with Abby's new cupcake maker. He really wanted a big, glazed donut from a local bakery so I got up early and rushed in town because they sell out quickly and the darn place was closed. So I guess I'll try again tomorrow morning. Most of the day has been spent playing Wii and watching someone else play Wii.
While I'm not in the best frame of mind, now that I have written out the last couple of days I can see all the good that was there.
I'm struggling with some insecurity or ego or something regarding AA. It's stupid really and I don't know why I let myself go there. It's mostly with the Alano Club-there's a lot of cliques, so much like high school and sometimes I find myself acting like/feeling like that awkward, out of place, desperate to fit in high school girl I once was. Been there, done that and I have no desire to revisit.
I guess I'm just feeling lonely, left out, sorry for myself?
On a lighter note, remember that my purse was stolen? It was returned to me yesterday, a man found it on the side of a nearby back road. Cell phones still in it and everything and Trevor's is working. My wallet is empty of all my money, not that it was much, I had $4 and some change. He did take my debit card and only one credit card. He left 2 other credit cards still in there. I never thought I would see that purse again. It's ruined, we've had alot of rain since then but still.
I can't think of anything else right now to blab about. Please forgive me for not being around to visit and comment. I've been in one of those places where I feel like my ability to do much more than exist is completely done. It's like my brain, my soul is too full and I just can't.
Tell me how you are or just say hey and let me know you're still out there.
As much as I would like to be completely positive and upbeat, you know me well enough to know that I don't roll that way. At least not here anyway.
Christmas Eve I was a mess. I had to work which I never do on Christmas Eve, I'm usually home getting ready for my family to converge, hungry and looking for food. I got up early and hit a meeting first because I could tell from the moment my eyes opened that I was feeling rather squirrely. So I worked for a little while and found myself finding things to do so I didn't have to leave. I still needed to run to the store for meatballs and hot sauce even though I had been to the store the night before, with a list and still forget them.
Because I procrastinated and took so long, my sister, her 18 month old step-grandson, her son and step-son were already at my house when I got home. I swear when Trevor called and told me they were there, my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew my house was a wreck because I had been putting off getting it "exactly so". Blah, blah,blah.
Now add to all this the fact that I have not been sleeping. I've been sleeping on the couch for days because I'm up half the night, tossing and turning. So I'm tired down to my bones.
Somehow I got through Christmas Eve. By the time everyone left I was so done but we had all the gifts for the kids to wrap. The wrapping didn't take nearly as long as usual because we stuck to such a strict budget this year, there wasn't as much. And you know, I was worried the kids would be disappointed but they weren't. We had told them before hand that "Santa" was on a budget and to only put things they really, really wanted on their lists and that's just what they did. I thought that I would have a hard time keeping a budget but it wasn't hard at all and I liked that it forced me to be more thoughtful as to what I bought.
Christmas morning was wonderful. The kids opened their gifts. I cooked a big, protein filled breakfast to make up for all the sugar and carbs we'd consumed the day before. Then we settled in and chilled out. It was nice and relaxing.
I didn't want to get dressed or go anywhere but tradition is going to my in-laws for dinner so off we went at 5pm. I was a bit grumpy and I regret that. Dinner was good, as always and my in-laws bought the kids a Wii and they were so happy because they didn't think they were getting one.
Today is JR's birthday. The girls made him a cupcake with Abby's new cupcake maker. He really wanted a big, glazed donut from a local bakery so I got up early and rushed in town because they sell out quickly and the darn place was closed. So I guess I'll try again tomorrow morning. Most of the day has been spent playing Wii and watching someone else play Wii.
While I'm not in the best frame of mind, now that I have written out the last couple of days I can see all the good that was there.
I'm struggling with some insecurity or ego or something regarding AA. It's stupid really and I don't know why I let myself go there. It's mostly with the Alano Club-there's a lot of cliques, so much like high school and sometimes I find myself acting like/feeling like that awkward, out of place, desperate to fit in high school girl I once was. Been there, done that and I have no desire to revisit.
I guess I'm just feeling lonely, left out, sorry for myself?
On a lighter note, remember that my purse was stolen? It was returned to me yesterday, a man found it on the side of a nearby back road. Cell phones still in it and everything and Trevor's is working. My wallet is empty of all my money, not that it was much, I had $4 and some change. He did take my debit card and only one credit card. He left 2 other credit cards still in there. I never thought I would see that purse again. It's ruined, we've had alot of rain since then but still.
I can't think of anything else right now to blab about. Please forgive me for not being around to visit and comment. I've been in one of those places where I feel like my ability to do much more than exist is completely done. It's like my brain, my soul is too full and I just can't.
Tell me how you are or just say hey and let me know you're still out there.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Dear Dad,
I remember when I was a little girl how I would put your hands over my face after you had put on your High Karate cologne. I was always amazed at how big your hands were and how they would cover my whole face.
I remember laying with you and using your arm as a pillow. I remember playing checkers with you and you never, ever let me win but I was ok with that.
I remember riding with you in your truck that had so many lights it almost looked like a Christmas tree. I remember how you would go fast to make the engine sing and how you would let me blow the horn at all my friends as we rode through town. I remember being so proud of my name being painted on that truck.
I remember thinking you were the strongest man on earth and you know, I still think that.
I got my blue eyes and blonde hair from you. I got my ability to sense bullshit from you. I point my finger when I'm trying to get something across to someone like you. I love to put applesauce on biscuits like you and when I get my Downey's milkshake I have to get fries like you. I love lots of lights on my Christmas tree and I'm extremely picky about how the ornaments are placed like you.
I miss you. I am forever thankful that we made peace with one another. I'm thankful that I was able to help you through what was a very hard time. I try not to dwell on wishing we'd not waited so long but I do wish that. You will never know the healing that came with you wanting to be with me, that you did love me.
I believe that you and Mom are both in heaven, looking down on me. I believe you both watch over me and sometimes, I think I almost feel your presence. I know you have watched me struggle but I want you both to know that I'm going to be ok. I will miss you always but I promise to try and live my life the way you'd want me to.
I am happy that you are no longer in pain, I am happy you are at peace.
Today I will bake Christmas cookies with the kids, I will spend time with Kathy and Drew. I will still probably wait for you to walk through the door. I just need to remind myself that you are already there.
I love you Daddy,
Ty
I remember laying with you and using your arm as a pillow. I remember playing checkers with you and you never, ever let me win but I was ok with that.
I remember riding with you in your truck that had so many lights it almost looked like a Christmas tree. I remember how you would go fast to make the engine sing and how you would let me blow the horn at all my friends as we rode through town. I remember being so proud of my name being painted on that truck.
I remember thinking you were the strongest man on earth and you know, I still think that.
I got my blue eyes and blonde hair from you. I got my ability to sense bullshit from you. I point my finger when I'm trying to get something across to someone like you. I love to put applesauce on biscuits like you and when I get my Downey's milkshake I have to get fries like you. I love lots of lights on my Christmas tree and I'm extremely picky about how the ornaments are placed like you.
I miss you. I am forever thankful that we made peace with one another. I'm thankful that I was able to help you through what was a very hard time. I try not to dwell on wishing we'd not waited so long but I do wish that. You will never know the healing that came with you wanting to be with me, that you did love me.
I believe that you and Mom are both in heaven, looking down on me. I believe you both watch over me and sometimes, I think I almost feel your presence. I know you have watched me struggle but I want you both to know that I'm going to be ok. I will miss you always but I promise to try and live my life the way you'd want me to.
I am happy that you are no longer in pain, I am happy you are at peace.
Today I will bake Christmas cookies with the kids, I will spend time with Kathy and Drew. I will still probably wait for you to walk through the door. I just need to remind myself that you are already there.
I love you Daddy,
Ty
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Holiday Blogging Break
Well, I can no longer ignore the fact that Christmas is right around the corner. I only have 3 more days to get my shopping done as well as prepare for Christmas Eve when I have my family over and bake cookies with my kids.
I'm still not into the spirit of the holiday but I plan to fake it in hopes that I make it.
I wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas.
See you soon. Don't forget about me!
I'm still not into the spirit of the holiday but I plan to fake it in hopes that I make it.
I wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas.
See you soon. Don't forget about me!
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