Friday, December 26, 2008

Late Friday Ramblings

Well, it looks like I have managed to get through the holidays sober and reasonably sane. I know technically the holidays aren't over but New Year's Eve and Day are really no different than any other day for me. We don't usually go anywhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is all about football.

As much as I would like to be completely positive and upbeat, you know me well enough to know that I don't roll that way. At least not here anyway.

Christmas Eve I was a mess. I had to work which I never do on Christmas Eve, I'm usually home getting ready for my family to converge, hungry and looking for food. I got up early and hit a meeting first because I could tell from the moment my eyes opened that I was feeling rather squirrely. So I worked for a little while and found myself finding things to do so I didn't have to leave. I still needed to run to the store for meatballs and hot sauce even though I had been to the store the night before, with a list and still forget them.

Because I procrastinated and took so long, my sister, her 18 month old step-grandson, her son and step-son were already at my house when I got home. I swear when Trevor called and told me they were there, my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew my house was a wreck because I had been putting off getting it "exactly so". Blah, blah,blah.

Now add to all this the fact that I have not been sleeping. I've been sleeping on the couch for days because I'm up half the night, tossing and turning. So I'm tired down to my bones.

Somehow I got through Christmas Eve. By the time everyone left I was so done but we had all the gifts for the kids to wrap. The wrapping didn't take nearly as long as usual because we stuck to such a strict budget this year, there wasn't as much. And you know, I was worried the kids would be disappointed but they weren't. We had told them before hand that "Santa" was on a budget and to only put things they really, really wanted on their lists and that's just what they did. I thought that I would have a hard time keeping a budget but it wasn't hard at all and I liked that it forced me to be more thoughtful as to what I bought.

Christmas morning was wonderful. The kids opened their gifts. I cooked a big, protein filled breakfast to make up for all the sugar and carbs we'd consumed the day before. Then we settled in and chilled out. It was nice and relaxing.

I didn't want to get dressed or go anywhere but tradition is going to my in-laws for dinner so off we went at 5pm. I was a bit grumpy and I regret that. Dinner was good, as always and my in-laws bought the kids a Wii and they were so happy because they didn't think they were getting one.

Today is JR's birthday. The girls made him a cupcake with Abby's new cupcake maker. He really wanted a big, glazed donut from a local bakery so I got up early and rushed in town because they sell out quickly and the darn place was closed. So I guess I'll try again tomorrow morning. Most of the day has been spent playing Wii and watching someone else play Wii.

While I'm not in the best frame of mind, now that I have written out the last couple of days I can see all the good that was there.

I'm struggling with some insecurity or ego or something regarding AA. It's stupid really and I don't know why I let myself go there. It's mostly with the Alano Club-there's a lot of cliques, so much like high school and sometimes I find myself acting like/feeling like that awkward, out of place, desperate to fit in high school girl I once was. Been there, done that and I have no desire to revisit.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely, left out, sorry for myself?

On a lighter note, remember that my purse was stolen? It was returned to me yesterday, a man found it on the side of a nearby back road. Cell phones still in it and everything and Trevor's is working. My wallet is empty of all my money, not that it was much, I had $4 and some change. He did take my debit card and only one credit card. He left 2 other credit cards still in there. I never thought I would see that purse again. It's ruined, we've had alot of rain since then but still.

I can't think of anything else right now to blab about. Please forgive me for not being around to visit and comment. I've been in one of those places where I feel like my ability to do much more than exist is completely done. It's like my brain, my soul is too full and I just can't.

Tell me how you are or just say hey and let me know you're still out there.


rcali4233 said...

Hey i feel really alone a lot right now. Going through this divorce is crushing me, it would be so easy to start up and go down the old road of drinking. But i have found something that keps me from going that way. I have found me again and there is nothing i would start down that road for. What ever happens i can handle it and be the happy, goofy and big hearted man that i am. We all have the thoughts of fear and being alone, but it is how we handle them that is important. Good luck with the sleep, i don't sleep well also so it is kind of the pot and the kettle thing. Just be good to you and all will work out.

Shadow said...

whooopheee, you made it! your purse wasn't stolen! the holidays are just about over! good stuff. pat yourself on your back now and get some rest.

J-Online said...

You got through Christmas sober. That is huge. Congrats. I had my first sober Christmas too. For me, this time of year brings up lots of different feelings and it can be hard and lonely. I understand what you mean about the AA cliques. It's hard sometimes and I too feel like I'm in high school again. Know you are loved and I'm so proud of you. Your honesty always amazes me and helps me in so many ways. Thank you for being real. Thank you for being you!

Anonymous said...

I am still here! Just have not really felt like posting anything. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I know what you mean about the funky mood you have been in, I hate being in that place and and sometimes I just have to ride it out and wait for it to pass. Sometimes it is PMS, fatigue, being overwhelmed, or sometimes I am just sick of being an alcoholic! I don't want to clean my side of the street! I am miserable and just want to be miserable! Then I will get sick of myself being that way, just does not feel right anymore. Kick back and relax with the rest of the weekend. Christmas does strange things to people, the expectations, no one reading the script, company showing up early when the house is till a mess! LOL! In the end none of that stuff really matters. God bless you today, thanks for putting it all out there.

clean and crazy said...

Wow you know we had a budget this year too, and I really appreciated taking the time to put some thought into the gifts as well. The kids really, REALLY, enjoyed their gifts, I video taped it and almost you- tubes it so me friends could easily see it but my 15 year old was so embarrassed that I didn't have the heart to do it to her.I can completely relate to the crankiness and anxiety of the family holiday, but as I continually work on my step work it helps me keep my levels at a normal pace so I can enjoy my family. Best Holiday wishes to you and yours. Stay clean and you can relax now this too shall pass

Sarah said...

I'm still here. And I feel remarkably similar to you.

steveroni said...

Yep, Tyra. We had a good Christmas.

And we're still out here, reading, writing..............and doing 'rithmatic.
Thanks for reading/commenting. Glad to see you're OK???

Michelle said...

Hello Hello! I am a new visitor to your blog. I came on over from 1 Doorway Away from From Heaven. I love your writing style it is very open and honest and I enjoy that. I hate when I read blogs that are all sunshine all the time....just isn'r real. Hope to come back and read more soon!