Well, it looks like I have managed to get through the holidays sober and reasonably sane. I know technically the holidays aren't over but New Year's Eve and Day are really no different than any other day for me. We don't usually go anywhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is all about football.
As much as I would like to be completely positive and upbeat, you know me well enough to know that I don't roll that way. At least not here anyway.
Christmas Eve I was a mess. I had to work which I never do on Christmas Eve, I'm usually home getting ready for my family to converge, hungry and looking for food. I got up early and hit a meeting first because I could tell from the moment my eyes opened that I was feeling rather squirrely. So I worked for a little while and found myself finding things to do so I didn't have to leave. I still needed to run to the store for meatballs and hot sauce even though I had been to the store the night before, with a list and still forget them.
Because I procrastinated and took so long, my sister, her 18 month old step-grandson, her son and step-son were already at my house when I got home. I swear when Trevor called and told me they were there, my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew my house was a wreck because I had been putting off getting it "exactly so". Blah, blah,blah.
Now add to all this the fact that I have not been sleeping. I've been sleeping on the couch for days because I'm up half the night, tossing and turning. So I'm tired down to my bones.
Somehow I got through Christmas Eve. By the time everyone left I was so done but we had all the gifts for the kids to wrap. The wrapping didn't take nearly as long as usual because we stuck to such a strict budget this year, there wasn't as much. And you know, I was worried the kids would be disappointed but they weren't. We had told them before hand that "Santa" was on a budget and to only put things they really, really wanted on their lists and that's just what they did. I thought that I would have a hard time keeping a budget but it wasn't hard at all and I liked that it forced me to be more thoughtful as to what I bought.
Christmas morning was wonderful. The kids opened their gifts. I cooked a big, protein filled breakfast to make up for all the sugar and carbs we'd consumed the day before. Then we settled in and chilled out. It was nice and relaxing.
I didn't want to get dressed or go anywhere but tradition is going to my in-laws for dinner so off we went at 5pm. I was a bit grumpy and I regret that. Dinner was good, as always and my in-laws bought the kids a Wii and they were so happy because they didn't think they were getting one.
Today is JR's birthday. The girls made him a cupcake with Abby's new cupcake maker. He really wanted a big, glazed donut from a local bakery so I got up early and rushed in town because they sell out quickly and the darn place was closed. So I guess I'll try again tomorrow morning. Most of the day has been spent playing Wii and watching someone else play Wii.
While I'm not in the best frame of mind, now that I have written out the last couple of days I can see all the good that was there.
I'm struggling with some insecurity or ego or something regarding AA. It's stupid really and I don't know why I let myself go there. It's mostly with the Alano Club-there's a lot of cliques, so much like high school and sometimes I find myself acting like/feeling like that awkward, out of place, desperate to fit in high school girl I once was. Been there, done that and I have no desire to revisit.
I guess I'm just feeling lonely, left out, sorry for myself?
On a lighter note, remember that my purse was stolen? It was returned to me yesterday, a man found it on the side of a nearby back road. Cell phones still in it and everything and Trevor's is working. My wallet is empty of all my money, not that it was much, I had $4 and some change. He did take my debit card and only one credit card. He left 2 other credit cards still in there. I never thought I would see that purse again. It's ruined, we've had alot of rain since then but still.
I can't think of anything else right now to blab about. Please forgive me for not being around to visit and comment. I've been in one of those places where I feel like my ability to do much more than exist is completely done. It's like my brain, my soul is too full and I just can't.
Tell me how you are or just say hey and let me know you're still out there.
find your fire
8 hours ago