Sunday, December 14, 2008

Marriage Stuff

....We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?

Taken from the Big Book, Chapter 9, page 122

Why is is that things only seem to be going "well" if things are to his liking?

I went to a meeting last night and then my friend Susan invited me and several others for dinner and coffee. We had a marvelous time, sharing, laughing. I needed it desperately. I was out late, later than I ever imagined. Time got away from us, we were having so much fun.

The whole time I was there I felt like I was doing something wrong even though I wasn't. I was spending time with friends, sharing about our sobriety, laughing about life. But I knew that he wouldn't be happy about me going even though he said it was ok.

And sure enough he's been testy all day.

I feel like we go two steps forward then three steps back.

I try not to get resentful but I am. I think about all the years I was home with our children alone while he hunted and went away to hunt. And now that I would like a little time to do something for me, something I have to do, he doesn't want to give me that. Our kids are older now and need very little from us now. If they are thirsty they can fix themselves a drink, if they are hungry they can grab a snack.

I'm tired of coming up against this all the time.

Am I asking too much to go to meetings 2-3 nights a week? Am I wrong for wanting to spend some time with my friends?

I just don't know what to do.


Anonymous said...

No, no, and he will get over it.

Shadow said...

i feel that too. the unease, of being away. but like everyone says to me. i'm not doing anything wrong. it was pre-planned. he knows where i am. i too am allowed me-time. so just do it. it gets easier with time. for you and for him. it's unnecessary guilt, that's what it is.

steveroni said...

Well, Tyra, you DID ask.

The following is ONLY my opinion, and "opinions" are like a**h**es, everyone has one, except that opoinions are not nearly as important
as the other...

1. You need meetings. RIGHT!
2. You need a good sponsor, one who will get to know ALL about you, and be able to guide you in our program.
3. You may need marital counseling.
Boy did I luck out here. Found out (after the fact) that my sponsor is a retired domestic/marriage counselor.
4. If at all possible, try to arrange to PRAY together. Please don't laugh. it works, it really does.
5. Whenever I meet people after a meeting for whatever, I call my wife, just to let her know, not necessarily where I am, etc., but when to expect me (within an hour's time) at home. We ALL KNOW if our mate is out playin' around, even husbands aren't THAT dumb.

But REAL jealous husbands, who might have issues of their own (ne sick themselves) can turn stopping at a STARBUCKS for a carry-out coffee into an illicit affair. So???

Just some thoughts...I'm NOT your teacher, sponsor, in fact, don't even know you--but I feel like I do, because I meet SO MANY people in that same boat, Hopefully they do not become ship-wrecked.

Progress, Not Perfection said...

It is amazing how things are always easier said than done. I believe its important in a relationship to compromise, but it is also important to say what you mean and mean what you say. If he "says" to go ahead (not that you need permission) then his attitude is now his problem, not yours. I have a really hard time with that. See above.. easier said than done.


Anybeth said...

You are not asking too much. You are changing the way your family unit has functioned and change is annoying.
I've never had to ASK if I can go someplace or do something. I'll give advance notice, or make sure I haven't other commitments.
It usually goes, "I'm doing such and such with so and so on Wednesday night...OK?" And the answer better be "OK". Because that's the answer he always gets from me.
Just my three cents.

♥Shann♥ said...

you are not wrong for going to meetings. Dont take on his crap (easier said that done) For me, and this was huge for me. I decided last year, and have stuck to it, that I am not responsible for his happiness. I am not. And I can enjoy my life with him, and with out him, meaning doing things with out him, like meetings, fellowship, going for a walk, to the gym, etc. Yea my husband pouted and whatever, but that was his shit. I didnt take it on. It is hard. Hang in there

♥Shann♥ said...

oh and its not like I neglect him AT ALL... just sayin. I know it is hard. And it takes a while hang in there

Findon said...

Oh Boy. You haven't been talking to my wife have you??. This is stuff I used to have a lot of difficuly with, then I let go and it's been a lot better. You deserve YOUR time.

Sarah said...

Ohhhh, honey. I walk in your shoes. And I never know what to do either.

Things seem to heal, then fall apart, then heal, then fall apart.

I just don't understand whay things aren't easier either. With my husband though, it's "business trips" that I sit home through. Bless you.

J-Online said...

Lots and lots of good advice here. You have to take care of YOU. If you're not ok, it's hard to care of anyone else. Do you think he feels threatened? I'm glad to see you going out and enjoying yourself. Just from reading your blog, I think it will do you worlds of good and your husband should be happy for you.