Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Thinking Too Much?

I am completely out of sorts and it sucks. I'm spending way too much time trying to figure out why and I don't even know if I should be doing that.

I have this underlying feeling of things being completely out of control, it's internal. It's not like things at home aren't good, things are actually pretty normal. Work is the same. Our money situation is the same.

Could it be Christmas?

I do have our work Christmas party on Friday, I'm a little apprehensive about it because the wine will be flowing and boy did I drink there last year. However, it's not like I will have anyone pushing the alcohol on me, I just don't relish the thought of being around all those that will be drinking.

I can't blame it on PMS either.

I'm feeling a little bit lost. I'm considering starting my steps over since my first sponsor and I only met once to work the steps. I would love to get involved in an intensive study of the Big Book. I have found a meeting that does that on Thursday nights in a neighboring town, it would probably do me good to go to a different meeting and meet new people.

I found myself thinking yesterday that I just don't know if I can do this and that scares me. I have 8 months and I treasure my sobriety.

I'm going to keep holding on, I'm going to pray.

I won't give up.


steveroni said...

"Could it be Christmas?"
YESSS! It shore could!

"I'm considering starting Steps over."
Why 'considering'? Just DO-IT! That's a four-letter word, I know.

"Love to get invloved in Big Book Study, etc."
Again, DO-IT

"Found a new meeting." GO there, girl! DO-IT!

Tyra, I hope you didn't mind my effort at cajoling here. All in fun...serious, DEADLY fun. REALLY!

Thanks for hooking onto my blog today. I read you all the time when you're "Doing it."

Let us know how that Big Book meeting in a neighboring town was for you, OK?

steveroni, with a hug for YOU!

Shadow said...

oh, the holidays. i actually said yesterday, that everyone puts on this happy smiling face. 'cause it's the holidays. well, this year i've decided to only do that when i feel it. no more 'should' for me. i'm going with what i am, what i want, what i feel. 8 months is great. i know you won't give up. just hang in there. hugs!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Keep praying, reaching out. Those feelings you are having are human and they too will pass and more will be revealed. Sometimes it's just really bumpy! I hear you and understand those feelings too! Just hang on. Do what is comfortable for you.

My home group is a BB study and I love it! We only read a paragraph at a time and I have learned so much! I do the steps with my sponsor and with others in the program, study a step a week and discuss together.

I hope you feel better and know that there is much support!


♥Shann♥ said...

I think its a lot of things, hun, you are in early sobriety, Christmas, work Holiday party coming up...

I think you hit it on the head, get involved, continue working the steps. We dont just do them once. Go to more meetings and Big Book studies are great. I know going to meetings are important. Try Big Book Study, speakers meetings, tradition meetings and open discussion meetings.
Keep praying and keep reachin out


Anonymous said...

Find you a raw little newcomer to work with. That'll get you out of your head and keep you sober.

Cat said...

the holiday sure does test everyone in their goals and sanity. Hang in there it is worth the goof fight!

molly said...

if you knew 'why' would it make a difference?

this study guide is EXCELLENT - least i think so:

becoming comfortable with being UNcomfortable takes a bit of practice. getting comfortable with NOT knowing. everything is uncertain really - when we try to 'control' that uncertainty - we are playing God. The trouble is we can't ever get our feet FIRMLY planted on the ground.. as soon as we THINK we have it solid/grounded - the ground shifts under our feet.

byron katie says the mind is like a frightened child. it just wants the truth. so it seeks. that is it's job sweetie. get your thoughts on paper - that sometimes helps.. use this as a guide if you like: http://www.thework.com/downloads/onebelief.pdf

see if you can find out what the CORE beliefs are underneath the feelings. there are always some thoughts that you are believing underneath the feelings. takes a bit of inquiry to find them but once you do (and sometimes the REAL ones we need to work with are the ones UNDERNEATH a thought so DIG), work them on paper. watching byron katie do 'the work' from the youtube videos helps learn how to master doing 'the work'.

ah well, gawd knows sometimes why these feelings pop up. trying to TIE them to a specific event is exhausting! it's more comfortable when the feelings can be explained but when they aren't tied??! just leaves ya feeling 'what is WRONG with me?!'. NOTHING (if that is what you thinking). Stop trying so hard! THAT in and of itself can be a core issue. Drop it - like a pen. hold a pen really really really tight in your hand and just drop it. that's what it feels like to let go.

and ask - how long do i want to worry about this? an hour? one more day? do you REALLY need an answer to whatever is troubling you RIGHT NOW?! or can you become comfortable with not knowing?

if i can help in any way, please let me know :)

indistinct said...

Sounds like the right kind of work!

Thanks for your comment.

Ann H. said...

I try not to go around alcohol either. I'm not ready. I've accepted the fact that I might never be and I guess I just have to be ok with that. I know people who have no problem with it but I guess I'm just not one of them.

I gotta tell you tho, my freakish little mind did laugh a little bit out loud at Kristen's comment... I'm sorry!