Looking Back

2008 has been quite a year.

I started the year off having just buried my father.

2 weeks later Ally's best friend's mother died. KC was staying with us and I was with KC when she found out her mom had passed. Vicky's death impacted me more then I ever could have imagined.

I got a puppy-my Mack.

My drinking progressed. I was depressed, full of anxiety, miserable.

I joined AA and got sober.

My baby turned 10.

I turned 36.

I wondered if my marriage was going to survive.

I missed my parents.

I found out I had fibromyalgia.

I had my first holiday season without my parents.

And here I am, getting ready to put an end to this year and start the new one. It hasn't been an easy year but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't change one single thing because if I changed it, I might not have what I have now.

What was the biggest thing for you this year?

Tug At My Heart

You have to read this.

Sick but Happy

I'm still here, still sick but hey, I'm still sober too. Tomorrow I will have 9 months y'all, 9 months!!

This cold is kicking my butt. I cough and cough and cough. My nose is red and sore because I blow my nose, blow my nose, blow my nose. I'm in a lot of pain, I guess being sick has caused my fibromyalgia to flare. Mornings are the worst, my hips and legs just about drive me crazy. But once the lyrica and ibuprofen kick in, it's manageable.

I got up early yesterday and dragged myself to an early meeting. I looked and felt like hell but I needed a meeting. I also managed to load the dishwasher, fold and put away laundry that had been clean for days and I went to the grocery store.

Tonight I have my womens meeting that I set up and make the coffee. I am going, Lord willling and the creek don't rise (as my mom used to say).

Today I am grateful for a warm cup of coffee, my dog snuggled up next to me, kids that sleep in the living room with me even though I'm sick and most of all, my sobriety.

What's going on with you today?

Sick Day

I am sick. I've managed to catch the cold that both Abby and JR had. And to make matters worse, I also managed to catch a stomach bug as well.

I won't go into great detail but let's just say that I may have to get my van professionally detailed. Next time I will just open the door rather than try to get the window down in time.

Gross, I know.

So I've sat around and laid around all day. I've got a fever so I go from hot to cold then back again. My hips are hurting like crazy, I guess being sick has caused me to have a flare (fibromyalgia).

I'm feeling tired again so I'm going to curl up and try to read.

Late Friday Ramblings

Well, it looks like I have managed to get through the holidays sober and reasonably sane. I know technically the holidays aren't over but New Year's Eve and Day are really no different than any other day for me. We don't usually go anywhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is all about football.

As much as I would like to be completely positive and upbeat, you know me well enough to know that I don't roll that way. At least not here anyway.

Christmas Eve I was a mess. I had to work which I never do on Christmas Eve, I'm usually home getting ready for my family to converge, hungry and looking for food. I got up early and hit a meeting first because I could tell from the moment my eyes opened that I was feeling rather squirrely. So I worked for a little while and found myself finding things to do so I didn't have to leave. I still needed to run to the store for meatballs and hot sauce even though I had been to the store the night before, with a list and still forget them.

Because I procrastinated and took so long, my sister, her 18 month old step-grandson, her son and step-son were already at my house when I got home. I swear when Trevor called and told me they were there, my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew my house was a wreck because I had been putting off getting it "exactly so". Blah, blah,blah.

Now add to all this the fact that I have not been sleeping. I've been sleeping on the couch for days because I'm up half the night, tossing and turning. So I'm tired down to my bones.

Somehow I got through Christmas Eve. By the time everyone left I was so done but we had all the gifts for the kids to wrap. The wrapping didn't take nearly as long as usual because we stuck to such a strict budget this year, there wasn't as much. And you know, I was worried the kids would be disappointed but they weren't. We had told them before hand that "Santa" was on a budget and to only put things they really, really wanted on their lists and that's just what they did. I thought that I would have a hard time keeping a budget but it wasn't hard at all and I liked that it forced me to be more thoughtful as to what I bought.

Christmas morning was wonderful. The kids opened their gifts. I cooked a big, protein filled breakfast to make up for all the sugar and carbs we'd consumed the day before. Then we settled in and chilled out. It was nice and relaxing.

I didn't want to get dressed or go anywhere but tradition is going to my in-laws for dinner so off we went at 5pm. I was a bit grumpy and I regret that. Dinner was good, as always and my in-laws bought the kids a Wii and they were so happy because they didn't think they were getting one.

Today is JR's birthday. The girls made him a cupcake with Abby's new cupcake maker. He really wanted a big, glazed donut from a local bakery so I got up early and rushed in town because they sell out quickly and the darn place was closed. So I guess I'll try again tomorrow morning. Most of the day has been spent playing Wii and watching someone else play Wii.

While I'm not in the best frame of mind, now that I have written out the last couple of days I can see all the good that was there.

I'm struggling with some insecurity or ego or something regarding AA. It's stupid really and I don't know why I let myself go there. It's mostly with the Alano Club-there's a lot of cliques, so much like high school and sometimes I find myself acting like/feeling like that awkward, out of place, desperate to fit in high school girl I once was. Been there, done that and I have no desire to revisit.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely, left out, sorry for myself?

On a lighter note, remember that my purse was stolen? It was returned to me yesterday, a man found it on the side of a nearby back road. Cell phones still in it and everything and Trevor's is working. My wallet is empty of all my money, not that it was much, I had $4 and some change. He did take my debit card and only one credit card. He left 2 other credit cards still in there. I never thought I would see that purse again. It's ruined, we've had alot of rain since then but still.

I can't think of anything else right now to blab about. Please forgive me for not being around to visit and comment. I've been in one of those places where I feel like my ability to do much more than exist is completely done. It's like my brain, my soul is too full and I just can't.

Tell me how you are or just say hey and let me know you're still out there.

Dear Dad,

I remember when I was a little girl how I would put your hands over my face after you had put on your High Karate cologne. I was always amazed at how big your hands were and how they would cover my whole face.

I remember laying with you and using your arm as a pillow. I remember playing checkers with you and you never, ever let me win but I was ok with that.

I remember riding with you in your truck that had so many lights it almost looked like a Christmas tree. I remember how you would go fast to make the engine sing and how you would let me blow the horn at all my friends as we rode through town. I remember being so proud of my name being painted on that truck.

I remember thinking you were the strongest man on earth and you know, I still think that.

I got my blue eyes and blonde hair from you. I got my ability to sense bullshit from you. I point my finger when I'm trying to get something across to someone like you. I love to put applesauce on biscuits like you and when I get my Downey's milkshake I have to get fries like you. I love lots of lights on my Christmas tree and I'm extremely picky about how the ornaments are placed like you.

I miss you. I am forever thankful that we made peace with one another. I'm thankful that I was able to help you through what was a very hard time. I try not to dwell on wishing we'd not waited so long but I do wish that. You will never know the healing that came with you wanting to be with me, that you did love me.

I believe that you and Mom are both in heaven, looking down on me. I believe you both watch over me and sometimes, I think I almost feel your presence. I know you have watched me struggle but I want you both to know that I'm going to be ok. I will miss you always but I promise to try and live my life the way you'd want me to.

I am happy that you are no longer in pain, I am happy you are at peace.

Today I will bake Christmas cookies with the kids, I will spend time with Kathy and Drew. I will still probably wait for you to walk through the door. I just need to remind myself that you are already there.

I love you Daddy,

Ty

Holiday Blogging Break

Well, I can no longer ignore the fact that Christmas is right around the corner. I only have 3 more days to get my shopping done as well as prepare for Christmas Eve when I have my family over and bake cookies with my kids.

I'm still not into the spirit of the holiday but I plan to fake it in hopes that I make it.

I wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas.

See you soon. Don't forget about me!

Good Things

Getting a hug from my 15 year old daughter and a text saying she loves me.

The warm glow from the Christmas tree.

A sleepy bulldog.

Two meetings in one night.

Time spent with a friend.

Now it's your turn, tell me something good in your life.

Just For Today

I will not let the actions of others determine my self worth or my happiness.

I will treat myself the way I treat others.

I will take the time to sit with my kids and listen.

I will remember to be thankful for the journey that brought me to where I am today.

I will remember that the only way out is through.

I will know that I am not alone.

What will you do just for today?

Still Here

The weather here in Maryland is playing hell with my fibromyalgia and I'm still adjusting to my new medication and on top of all that I've got a serious case of the holiday blues.

Yuck.

I will pull myself out of this though. Thankfully I have the tools now.

I just wanted you to know that I am still visiting your blogs but half the time I feel like I have nothing good to say so I say nothing. Maybe I'll just stop by and say hello, k?

Marriage Stuff

....We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?

Taken from the Big Book, Chapter 9, page 122

Why is is that things only seem to be going "well" if things are to his liking?

I went to a meeting last night and then my friend Susan invited me and several others for dinner and coffee. We had a marvelous time, sharing, laughing. I needed it desperately. I was out late, later than I ever imagined. Time got away from us, we were having so much fun.

The whole time I was there I felt like I was doing something wrong even though I wasn't. I was spending time with friends, sharing about our sobriety, laughing about life. But I knew that he wouldn't be happy about me going even though he said it was ok.

And sure enough he's been testy all day.

I feel like we go two steps forward then three steps back.

I try not to get resentful but I am. I think about all the years I was home with our children alone while he hunted and went away to hunt. And now that I would like a little time to do something for me, something I have to do, he doesn't want to give me that. Our kids are older now and need very little from us now. If they are thirsty they can fix themselves a drink, if they are hungry they can grab a snack.

I'm tired of coming up against this all the time.

Am I asking too much to go to meetings 2-3 nights a week? Am I wrong for wanting to spend some time with my friends?

I just don't know what to do.

Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for:

• A hot fire to curl up to on a cold morning
• A good cup of coffee
• Only having one thing planned this weekend
• Two nights of good sleep
• Having hope that everything will be just fine
• My sobriety
• Finally learning who I really am
• My marriage that is slowly starting to heal

What are you grateful for today?

Update

First I would like to thank all of you for your well wishes yesterday.

If you checked out my twitter updates you know that my doctor is pretty sure I have fibromyalgia. I had my blood drawn to check for lymes and some other things just to be certain. But I have just about every single symptom of fibromyalgia.

She gave me samples of Lyrica after we discussed my concern about not taking anything that is a narcotic. She assured me that I would be fine.

I did take the Lyrica last night and it worked. About an hour after taking it, I got up out of my chair and I realized it wasn't painful to get up and move.

I almost cried because I can't remember the last time I didn't hurt. I didn't realize how much pain I was just living with until it was gone.

I went to bed because I was sleepy, probably from the Lyrica, and I slept so good. I wasn't tossing and turning because of the pain in my hips and lower back.

This morning I feel pretty good, a little groggy but my hips and legs aren't hurting like they usually are. Mornings can be bad for me.

I don't have a lot of motivation right now. It's gloomy, rainy and cold outside. I don't want to go run errands. I've got the gas stove going so I'm nice and warm-so is Mack, he loves when I turn on the fire, I put his bed in front of it and he lays right there. I have the Christmas tree on and no other lights and since it's so gloomy out, the tree has this warm glow. See why I don't want to go anywhere?

But I have to get Abby a white, button down shirt and a red tie for her recital that is tomorrow. That's right, tomorrow. Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

And I just have to tell you that JR has been wonderful this week. He ususally doesn't deal well with me being out of sorts. But I have to give him credit for stepping up and helping out. He's been doing the dishes and he even folded laundry last night. I think I'll keep him.

So, all is well in my corner of the world. I mean, I'm not thrilled at the thought of having fibromyalgia but there are worse things I could have. Gotta look at the bright side of things.

Off to the Doctor

I have my doctor's appointment in about an hour. I am nervous but I know that I need to get to the bottom of this.

If you notice farther down my blog on the right-you'll see my Twitter updates. I may not be able to actually blog about what my doctor has to say so I will try and send it through Twitter so you can check there if you'd like.

Whatever I find out today, I know that I will be fine. It may not be easy but I'm ok with that. I may not like it but I'm ok with that too.

It's all about acceptance.

How I Feel

Ok y'all, I've been trying to not say a whole lot about my health because right now so much is unknown.

There is a possibility I may have fibromyalgia. I've been having symptoms for a long, long time but recently it's gotten to the point where it's interfering with my life. I can hardly walk when I get up in the morning and after sitting still for too long. I ache from the top of my head to my feet.

And I am so damn tired.

Which is why I wanted to share what's going on because I might not be posting much. My brain is foggy and slow a lot of the time which makes coming up with something to blog a little hard.

I will know more this Thursday, at least I hope to. For right now I am no longer drinking diet coke (sob), trying to eat gluten free and as organically as I can afford. I would like to control my symptoms through diet and exercise because I am afraid of the few drugs out there for fibromyalgia. I don't want to become addicted to prescription medication because God knows I don't need another monkey on my back.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good but not today. My hips and legs are hurting so bad. I keep getting up from my desk, I walk around and stretch.

While I'm bummed that I feel this way, I know that I will be fine.

So if I'm not around all that much I'm probably asleep. *smile*

Monday Morning Ramblings

Well, I survived 3 Christmas parties in one weekend. Sober.

Yay!

I'm still having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. We got our tree on Friday and brought in the house Saturday morning. It's still standing undecorated. No lights, nothing. I have not bought one single Christmas gift.

I do look forward to watching the kids open their gifts and seeing their happiness. I do look forward to having some down time.

Having Christmas also be the day my father died puts a damper on things a bit.

And this is my first holiday season without parents which is strange and sad all that the same time. But I know I will get through it. The first year is always the hardest.

One cool thing will be on New Year's Eve I will have 9 months sober.

I will be fine, I am fine just feeling a little melancholy.

One of those Godincidences

I have to smile every time I think about how God always provides.

I shared how apprehensive I was about attending my first Christmas party where there would be alcohol. Last night when I walked into the party the first person I saw was my friend Cindy from the rooms. She was there to work the party. All I could do was laugh out loud.

I drank Diet Coke with lemon out of a fancy wine glass.

And at the end of the night my in-laws were taking home 2 bottles of white wine because this year no one drank it all.

Wonder why that was? *giggle*

Just What I Need

Tomorrow night I have my first Christmas party of the season. There will be alcohol there, lots of wine. It's funny because my mother-in-law remarked about how running out of wine last year so she was making sure there was more this year. I chuckled to myself because she won't be needing the extra wine considering I don't drink anymore. I wonder if she'll make the connection.

I went to a noon meeting today and shared how I've been thinking about this party all week. A lot. I've done the maybe I'm not really an alcoholic kind of thinking. Yesterday I opened my Big Book and read chapter More About Alcoholism, just what I needed. And today's meeting was about how powerful our disease really is, just what I needed.

It's so awesome to see God provide what I need.

Thinking Too Much?

I am completely out of sorts and it sucks. I'm spending way too much time trying to figure out why and I don't even know if I should be doing that.

I have this underlying feeling of things being completely out of control, it's internal. It's not like things at home aren't good, things are actually pretty normal. Work is the same. Our money situation is the same.

Could it be Christmas?

I do have our work Christmas party on Friday, I'm a little apprehensive about it because the wine will be flowing and boy did I drink there last year. However, it's not like I will have anyone pushing the alcohol on me, I just don't relish the thought of being around all those that will be drinking.

I can't blame it on PMS either.

I'm feeling a little bit lost. I'm considering starting my steps over since my first sponsor and I only met once to work the steps. I would love to get involved in an intensive study of the Big Book. I have found a meeting that does that on Thursday nights in a neighboring town, it would probably do me good to go to a different meeting and meet new people.

I found myself thinking yesterday that I just don't know if I can do this and that scares me. I have 8 months and I treasure my sobriety.

I'm going to keep holding on, I'm going to pray.

I won't give up.

Feeling Weird

My inner clock, my inner something is out of whack. I'm staying up late and then I'm tired when I get up so I take a nap which then makes me wide awake when I should be going to bed.

My eating is BAD. Too much sugar, too much caffeine, too much junk.

I spent the weekend at home, no meetings.

And by today I was all up in my head which is not a good place for me to be.

I went to a meeting tonight and I was so anxious that I almost didn't go in. Where the hell is the anxiety coming from?

I spent the weekend doing things I enjoy-crafting, crocheting. I hung out with my family. It was peaceful.

I just can't go that long without a meeting. That is for certain.

On a good note, I saw Cheryl tonight, she is home from detox, she looks great and seems like herself. I also saw Jim, he looked great, came up and gave me a hug. It was so nice to see him and have him be the Jim I've come to know and love.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am ever so grateful for that. I'm going to get up, get the kids off to school and then myself off to work. I'm going to put one foot in front of the other until this "weirdness" moves along which I know it will.

New Digs

I guess I'll be blogging from here now. I'm having a hard time letting Typepad go mainly because I have blogged through my father's death and getting sober. I hate to lose all that. I'm going to try and figure out if I can move those posts here somehow.

I'm off to help Abby with her math homework.

God help us.