I've been introspective over the past week or so. I remember clearly this time last year. My drinking took a turn, I was no longer just binge drinking on the weekends anymore. I was starting to drink everyday.
I remember feeling so out of control, not wanting to drink but still drinking anyway. I remember the craziness of how I was going to get my alcohol, how I was going to be able to drink it without getting caught, how I was going to hide the evidence.
I remember how I hated to go to sleep and how I hated getting up in the morning even more. I remember the hopelessness. I remember thinking that my kids might be better off without me. I remember sitting at the busy highway I have to cross everyday and thinking that if I just inched my van out just a little in front of the big 18 wheelers flying past, I would no longer have to feel like I did.
I remember sitting in my bathroom on March 31st, trying to figure out how I was going to drink with Trevor being home. I was hungover, shaky and then I had this moment of clarity and I was able to honestly see what I was doing. I was taking medication with alcohol and that if I kept on there was a good chance I might not wake up one morning. I was drinking and driving with my children in the van. I was taking money that we needed for bills and buying alcohol which meant I had to hide our bills and money situation from JR. I was behaving like one who is suicidal.
I remember walking into my first AA meeting that very day.
And here I am today. I take my medication like I'm supposed to. I no longer drink and drive. I no longer sit at the highway contemplating pulling out in front of a speeding truck. I no longer spend our money on alcohol and I no longer have to hide our bills or money situation from JR, as a matter of fact I handed over the bills to him because it was the best thing to do.
I have hope today.
I do feel sad when I think back to last year. I feel sad for the lost soul that I was.
But then if I hadn't gone through all that I wouldn't be where I am today.
I mentioned in a post about the situation I'm having with some of my friends. Basically I have my sponsor and then I have this other group. This other group I've come to find out don't care for my sponsor. And while I know my sponsor is not perfect, neither are they. And my sponsor does not bash any of those people to me. But they don't hesitate to bash her in front of me. And it makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it even makes me a little pissed.
About once a month this group of people get together and I'm always invited. We do have a good time together but I've come to see the gossip that takes place which leaves me feeling uneasy, almost like I've participated in the gossiping by being there.
At the end of this month is a big AA convention in Ocean City, MD and I'm supposed to room with this group for an entire weekend. We planned this months ago, way before my sponsor now was my sponsor. I have been looking forward to this convention for a long time and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right thing for me to do.
I don't feel like I can talk with my sponsor about this because I don't want to tell her what has been said. I know it would upset her and I don't want to cause any more problems between them.
My sponsor has been nothing but good to me since the day I met her. She took me right under her wing and made me feel welcome. She's been sober 29 years and I respect her program and all the advice she has ever given me. When we went over my steps 1, 2 and 3 a couple of weeks ago, I felt even more sure that she is the sponsor for me. And I hate how this other group, particularly one woman feels that I'm better off with someone else.
This situation has made me look at my program and I'm starting to wonder if I'm looking to AA to be more of a social thing. I mean, isn't it good to hang out with your friends in AA? To have fun sober with those in AA?
Today I had my Southern Living At Home party, my sponsor's daughter was the consultant and do you know that none of the people from the other group came and I know it was because my sponsor was going to be there. I actually had one woman (who is not someone I hang out with but she is a part of the "other" group) give me back my invitation when she found out who the consultant was. I found that a bit rude but I just let it go because honestly, I only invited her to be polite.
But you know, we had such a good time today. It was relaxed and comfortable. We laughed, we ate, it was wonderful. I'm glad none of them showed up because it wouldn't have been that way.
One of the better parts of today was that JR and my kids got to meet alot of the women they hear me mention. I could see JR relax as he realized these are good women and that we all really do care about each other. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law came too and they got to see the same thing.
So while I am feeling a bit conflicted, I had a really good day. And I get $200 free to spend on anything I want just because I had a party, I think that made JR even happier!
And if you have stayed and read this blong (I stole that word from steve-a-roni, thanks!!), well, God bless you.
Song from the Silence
16 hours ago