Saturday, January 24, 2009

Where I'm At

There are things that are too private to share online. But I feel like I can't blog at all because this issue is front and center right now. Maybe I could blog and just not post it. Somehow though it just doesn't feel the same.

So I'm just going to blog. I'm sure as the days go by or maybe by the end of this post you will have an idea as to what is going on with me. I may not just come out and say it, you'll just be able to read between the lines.

The initial shock has worn off now. In a sense I am grieving. It is a loss. Loss of innocence, loss of trust. My world has changed somewhat.

It could've been worse. I acknowledge that. And some people may feel that I'm making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. But really I don't give a crap what others may feel. This is my reality, this is how I feel right now.

I thought I'd been doing all the right things. Now I feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm blaming myself.

I also feel stupid. Stupid to have trusted what I was being told. Stupid to have honestly thought it wouldn't happen.

I feel unsettled. I go from being angry one minute and in tears the next.

It's hard to make a decision that goes against everything that I stand for but then to know that by not making that decision, I could be making things worse down the road.

It's painful to look at her in a different light but I do. We can't go back now. What's done is done. Now we just have to deal with it and move on.

But how?

I am still sober. I have to honestly admit that yesterday the thought of a drink sounded awfully appealing. I even thought about how I'd go about it. I didn't give in though, I thought it through, talked with my sponsor and let it go. I am an alcoholic, my mind is going to turn to thoughts of alcohol from time to time, thankfully now those times aren't as frequent.

I know there is no situation that a drink won't make worse.

So this is where I'm at right now. I may not be making much sense and for that I am sorry. I probably won't be making a whole lot of sense for the next week or so. I ask for your forgiveness now.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh, hon. I'm so sorry.

vicariousrising said...

No need to ask for forgiveness. I'm glad you didn't drink over it. I'm glad you were able to acknowledge the thought passed through your mind. But it passed.

Give yourself time to feel. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. {{{Tyra}}}

Findon said...

Hello Tyra. I do not know what the problem is but I know that when I have problems that bring up sucj intense emotional feelings I have to look at the very basics of the traditions and the programme. There are two basics that I hold on to. The first, as I am sure you know and have it ingrained in to you as part of your being is. Do not pick up that first drink, no matter what. The second is to remember it,s principles and not personalities. This is really important for me. I am sometimes guilty of putting people on pedestals and then when they seem to fall off I'm angry and upset. Or i give too much power to people so that I end up doing what I think they want me to do or be. Instead I should have my eyes, on my higher power, then life becomes simpler. I'm sure you will make it through whatever it is. Take care.

J-Online said...

I understand what you are saying and what you are going through. I'm sorry sweetie. Take care of you. I know you guys will make the best decision for your Daughter and Family. It will all work itself out in time. I know that doesn't help the situation now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Call if you need anything. It happened to me too...at 15.

~Tyra~ said...

Just to clarify, she's NOT. But she could've been.

Shadow said...

hey. it is what it is and you don't have to share everything. just hang in there 'til your feelings sort themselves out... hugs and love!

Patty said...

You don't owe anyone an explanation here, Tyra. It's OK to share your feelings that you are feeling without all the gory details. I think it is great progress that you are feeling the feelings, expressing them and as horrible as it seems, you have not had to pick up a drink over it!
Sending out prayers to and your loved ones.{{{hugs}}}

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Dear Tyra please know that you're in my thoughts and my prayers for stength and love to be revealed to you...it sounds like there'sa lot of complication in your life and I hope that you are doing alright and just know that so many are caring for you and your family right now.

Much love!

molly said...

try to take good care during the 'heavier' moments in life.. continue to eat healthy, get to a gym if possible and partake in some sort of comedy or light-hearted reading - especially if you are needed to be there for others. simply being 'well' can be of service i was told early on. so yup - mental and physical health is VERY important if you can swing it.

whatever happened - start where you are today - if you are caught up in 'what ifs' regarding past or future, you miss the present moment - which is the only moment that exists in reality. so give THIS moment your fullest attention.. try to look back ONLY with the intent to LEARN whatever lessen was meant to be learned. the lessen may not even have been intended for you.

doing all the 'right' things is impossible(!) here on planet earth - us humanoids just can NOT get 'it' perfectly right.

if a decision needs to be made - make the wisest one possible and let go. in my experience, sometimes the wisest ones were to not make one.

take good care