There are things that are too private to share online. But I feel like I can't blog at all because this issue is front and center right now. Maybe I could blog and just not post it. Somehow though it just doesn't feel the same.
So I'm just going to blog. I'm sure as the days go by or maybe by the end of this post you will have an idea as to what is going on with me. I may not just come out and say it, you'll just be able to read between the lines.
The initial shock has worn off now. In a sense I am grieving. It is a loss. Loss of innocence, loss of trust. My world has changed somewhat.
It could've been worse. I acknowledge that. And some people may feel that I'm making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. But really I don't give a crap what others may feel. This is my reality, this is how I feel right now.
I thought I'd been doing all the right things. Now I feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm blaming myself.
I also feel stupid. Stupid to have trusted what I was being told. Stupid to have honestly thought it wouldn't happen.
I feel unsettled. I go from being angry one minute and in tears the next.
It's hard to make a decision that goes against everything that I stand for but then to know that by not making that decision, I could be making things worse down the road.
It's painful to look at her in a different light but I do. We can't go back now. What's done is done. Now we just have to deal with it and move on.
I am still sober. I have to honestly admit that yesterday the thought of a drink sounded awfully appealing. I even thought about how I'd go about it. I didn't give in though, I thought it through, talked with my sponsor and let it go. I am an alcoholic, my mind is going to turn to thoughts of alcohol from time to time, thankfully now those times aren't as frequent.
I know there is no situation that a drink won't make worse.
So this is where I'm at right now. I may not be making much sense and for that I am sorry. I probably won't be making a whole lot of sense for the next week or so. I ask for your forgiveness now.