See Ya In A Few

I've got alot to do to prepare for leaving for the weekend.

I'm leaving tomorrow at noon for the AA convention.

No husband.

No kids.

No puppy dog.

I'll fill you in when I get back. And hey y'all, behave.

Life Is Good

• Because I know that everything will be ok as long as I don't take a drink
• I'm going to to my first AA convention in a couple of days
• I've had a couple of situations over the last few days where I have felt God guiding me and it's been pretty cool
• Snow days came just at the right time
• I am almost done the baby blanket I've been working on for awhile
• My dog who has enjoyed snuggling with me the last 2 days

What's good in your life today?

What's Going On With Me

• Today is our first snow day of the school year and I couldn't be happier!
• I don't plan on getting out of my pjs until I have to
• Abby really is sick so now I feel about an inch high because I didn't believe her
• I went to the Big Book study last night and it was awesome
• The weather is supposed to be pretty nasty later tonight so I guess I'll have to drive the truck to the womens meeting
• I'm supposed to be going to dinner for a friend's celebration and I'm making the cake
• I guess at some point today I need to bake a cake
• Mack is not happy about the snow, he barked and growled at it and would not go out
• Have I mentioned how much I love that dog?
• I noticed on my sobriety counter that I have like 302 days now, wow!
• Saturday is 10 months

What's going on with you?

Monday Stuff

It's Monday. I was hoping to have the day to myself but it wasn't to be. Trevor is home sick-nasty head cold and sore throat. And Abby had a complete and utter meltdown this morning and I could not get her out the door short of physically doing so. I've never had any of my children behave that way and honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel keeping her home wasn't the best choice but I couldn't very well send her in the state she was in.

She's been having some problems with a couple of girls in her class. Nothing extreme but I know it's hard on her. She's been begging me to switch classes and I don't know if that is the right thing to do either. I've never done that before.

Basically I just don't know about anything right now.

I'm tired. I'm anxious. I had to leave a meeting Friday night because I thought I was going to throw up. Yesterday I went to a meeting and was sitting outside feeling the same way. I was starting to feel panicky and I wanted to leave, I didn't think I could stay. Thankfully my old sponsor and my friend Amy (who is one awesome AA) showed up and we sat outside in the freezing cold and Amy talked me through it. I was able to stay for the meeting and I felt better for it.

Thank God for good AA friends.

I know that nothing in God's world happens by mistake. I know that everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to. But man has this been hard. I've been working on my 4th step and this whole situation with Ally has brought up even more that I need to add to my list.

Today I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try and visit some blogs even if all I do is say hi. I'm going to work on the baby blanket I'm crocheting. I may even take a nap. I'm going to eat powdered sugar mini donuts and drink a cup of hot coffee. I'm going to drink diet coke or two. If nothing else comes up, I may attend the new Big Book study at the club.

I'm going to take care of me today.

Where I'm At

There are things that are too private to share online. But I feel like I can't blog at all because this issue is front and center right now. Maybe I could blog and just not post it. Somehow though it just doesn't feel the same.

So I'm just going to blog. I'm sure as the days go by or maybe by the end of this post you will have an idea as to what is going on with me. I may not just come out and say it, you'll just be able to read between the lines.

The initial shock has worn off now. In a sense I am grieving. It is a loss. Loss of innocence, loss of trust. My world has changed somewhat.

It could've been worse. I acknowledge that. And some people may feel that I'm making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. But really I don't give a crap what others may feel. This is my reality, this is how I feel right now.

I thought I'd been doing all the right things. Now I feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm blaming myself.

I also feel stupid. Stupid to have trusted what I was being told. Stupid to have honestly thought it wouldn't happen.

I feel unsettled. I go from being angry one minute and in tears the next.

It's hard to make a decision that goes against everything that I stand for but then to know that by not making that decision, I could be making things worse down the road.

It's painful to look at her in a different light but I do. We can't go back now. What's done is done. Now we just have to deal with it and move on.

But how?

I am still sober. I have to honestly admit that yesterday the thought of a drink sounded awfully appealing. I even thought about how I'd go about it. I didn't give in though, I thought it through, talked with my sponsor and let it go. I am an alcoholic, my mind is going to turn to thoughts of alcohol from time to time, thankfully now those times aren't as frequent.

I know there is no situation that a drink won't make worse.

So this is where I'm at right now. I may not be making much sense and for that I am sorry. I probably won't be making a whole lot of sense for the next week or so. I ask for your forgiveness now.

Dear God,

Ok, I get it.

I've had my hands on the wheel long enough.

It's time to let go and trust you.

Not just with my sobriety. But with everything.

Even my children who I love more than I love myself.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of us even with me standing in the way.

I am still sad. I feel a bit lost, shaken. My world as I knew it looks different, feels different.

I guess that's what I needed.

Maybe if I wasn't so stubborn, you wouldn't have had to get my attention in such a drastic way.

I just need to remember that you know what's best.

Is it wrong that I feel scared?

I hope not because I am scared.

Love,

Me

Heavy Heart

I know I try and be an open book on my blog. I have shared just about every aspect of my life with you. And while I hate it when people are vague on their blogs about stuff, I am now going to be guilty of it as well.

Tonight my heart hurts. I am sad, so sad. And this is just too private for me to share here.

Please know that I am still sober and this has nothing to do with my recovery. At all. So please don't worry about that.

However, I will probably be gone for a little while. I just need a few days to deal with what has been thrown in my path.

I will be fine but it hurts. It really does.

Lemonade Award

My great friend Shadow was nice enough to bestow me with this award, thank you!! It's all about having a great attitude and great gratitude.


Please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award

Here's my list:

Molly

Pam

Anybeth

Shann

Steveroni

Cat

Jenn

Clean and crazy

Prayer Girl

Patty

I know some of these bloggers have already been nominated but hey, getting more of one award isn't a bad thing, right?

Wednesday This & That

Well, it looks like I've been promoted in my service work for my Tuesday night women's meeting. I have been made the coffee and set up for the meeting since April. Starting the week after next I will be the new secretary. I was the secretary last night because the regular secretary was sick. I guess I did an ok job. I'm kind of nervous about it but in a way I'm looking forward to it.

I also just found out about a new intensive Big Book study on Monday nights that started on Monday. I plan on attending next Monday because I love the intensive study and I think it will help me secretary our women's Big Book study.

Tonight is the women's Step Meeting which has grown so much since I've been around. I found out last night about a new closed women's Step Meeting on Friday nights and I might try and attend that as well.

Basically I'm trying to broaden my horizons and get to some new meetings. I think that will help with this funk or whatever I've been in.

Today I am home with Trevor. I have a small list of things I would like to get done and then I'm going to spend some time on my 4th step work. I've been putting it off and it's time.

I feel at peace today, I know that God is guiding me and taking care of me. I just had to get out of His way.

Expecting Is Not Always Good

I want to thank all of you for your insight on my last post. It gave me alot to think about. I talked on the phone with a good friend last night, someone that I trust completely. She helped me to see that I'm disappointed. I am disappointed. I guess I expected more out of them because several of them have alot of sobriety. However, I need to remember they are human, just like me which means they are not perfect and I have no business expecting them to be. And I know that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. So I'm on a slippery slope here and I need to step off it.

There's a part of me that wonders if these people are even my friends. They probably are to the degree that they are able. And just because I wouldn't do that to someone, I shouldn't expect that they won't. See, there's that word again-expect.

I'm not sure yet what to do about the AA convention. I would hate to not go and miss out on what I'm told is an awesome experience. I think I will be fine as long as we're busy going to the convention and not sitting around the condo and having a gossipfest. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about that right now, I'm putting it in God's hands and I trust that everything will work out fine, even if it means I stay home.

I just got back from taking the kids to school. The house is quiet except for the snoring of my bulldog who is curled up next to me. I'm going into work soon, I told them I would be late. I need some alone time, some quiet time.

Today's Daily Reflections reading is so fitting I'm going to end my post with it:

"WE PAUSE.....AND ASK"

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I could respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend.

I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills-it is the unsuspected Inner Resource.

I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

One Long Winded Post

I've been introspective over the past week or so. I remember clearly this time last year. My drinking took a turn, I was no longer just binge drinking on the weekends anymore. I was starting to drink everyday.

I remember feeling so out of control, not wanting to drink but still drinking anyway. I remember the craziness of how I was going to get my alcohol, how I was going to be able to drink it without getting caught, how I was going to hide the evidence.

I remember how I hated to go to sleep and how I hated getting up in the morning even more. I remember the hopelessness. I remember thinking that my kids might be better off without me. I remember sitting at the busy highway I have to cross everyday and thinking that if I just inched my van out just a little in front of the big 18 wheelers flying past, I would no longer have to feel like I did.

I remember sitting in my bathroom on March 31st, trying to figure out how I was going to drink with Trevor being home. I was hungover, shaky and then I had this moment of clarity and I was able to honestly see what I was doing. I was taking medication with alcohol and that if I kept on there was a good chance I might not wake up one morning. I was drinking and driving with my children in the van. I was taking money that we needed for bills and buying alcohol which meant I had to hide our bills and money situation from JR. I was behaving like one who is suicidal.

I remember walking into my first AA meeting that very day.

And here I am today. I take my medication like I'm supposed to. I no longer drink and drive. I no longer sit at the highway contemplating pulling out in front of a speeding truck. I no longer spend our money on alcohol and I no longer have to hide our bills or money situation from JR, as a matter of fact I handed over the bills to him because it was the best thing to do.

I have hope today.

I do feel sad when I think back to last year. I feel sad for the lost soul that I was.

But then if I hadn't gone through all that I wouldn't be where I am today.

I mentioned in a post about the situation I'm having with some of my friends. Basically I have my sponsor and then I have this other group. This other group I've come to find out don't care for my sponsor. And while I know my sponsor is not perfect, neither are they. And my sponsor does not bash any of those people to me. But they don't hesitate to bash her in front of me. And it makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it even makes me a little pissed.

About once a month this group of people get together and I'm always invited. We do have a good time together but I've come to see the gossip that takes place which leaves me feeling uneasy, almost like I've participated in the gossiping by being there.

At the end of this month is a big AA convention in Ocean City, MD and I'm supposed to room with this group for an entire weekend. We planned this months ago, way before my sponsor now was my sponsor. I have been looking forward to this convention for a long time and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right thing for me to do.

I don't feel like I can talk with my sponsor about this because I don't want to tell her what has been said. I know it would upset her and I don't want to cause any more problems between them.

My sponsor has been nothing but good to me since the day I met her. She took me right under her wing and made me feel welcome. She's been sober 29 years and I respect her program and all the advice she has ever given me. When we went over my steps 1, 2 and 3 a couple of weeks ago, I felt even more sure that she is the sponsor for me. And I hate how this other group, particularly one woman feels that I'm better off with someone else.

This situation has made me look at my program and I'm starting to wonder if I'm looking to AA to be more of a social thing. I mean, isn't it good to hang out with your friends in AA? To have fun sober with those in AA?

Today I had my Southern Living At Home party, my sponsor's daughter was the consultant and do you know that none of the people from the other group came and I know it was because my sponsor was going to be there. I actually had one woman (who is not someone I hang out with but she is a part of the "other" group) give me back my invitation when she found out who the consultant was. I found that a bit rude but I just let it go because honestly, I only invited her to be polite.

But you know, we had such a good time today. It was relaxed and comfortable. We laughed, we ate, it was wonderful. I'm glad none of them showed up because it wouldn't have been that way.

One of the better parts of today was that JR and my kids got to meet alot of the women they hear me mention. I could see JR relax as he realized these are good women and that we all really do care about each other. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law came too and they got to see the same thing.

So while I am feeling a bit conflicted, I had a really good day. And I get $200 free to spend on anything I want just because I had a party, I think that made JR even happier!

And if you have stayed and read this blong (I stole that word from steve-a-roni, thanks!!), well, God bless you.

Answer Me This

If you are in a funk, how do you get out of it?

Wednesday Stuff

I'm totally stealing this way of blogging from Pam cuz I'm lazy like that:

• It is darn cold out and I'm not liking it but then if it was darn hot out I wouldn't like that either.
• I have been spending way too much time on Facebook but it's been neat to reconnect with some old classmates.
• Abby is supposed to return to dance class tonight and she has no idea and I'm seriously considering not telling her so we can skip.
• I know I'm a bad mom.
• I want to know why gas prices have gone up 24 cents a gallon in the last week.
• I am seriously regretting booking this Southern Living At Home party for this Sunday.
• Mainly because I'm afraid no one will show up.
• I'm feeling very caught in the middle of two groups of women in my AA fellowship-I'm friends with all of them but they are not friends with each other and at times that is a little awkward.
• I have been finding myself not wanting to go to meetings sometimes because of it.
• I took my friend Lisa to Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore yesterday and didn't freak out once.
• The city overwhelms me-too much traffic, too many people, too many tall buildings.
• And God I am so afraid of taking a wrong turn and ending up on the streets you here about on the news-Baltimore's crime rate is way big.
• However I am so grateful that we live close to some of the best hospitals in the country.

God bless y'all real good

Show Me Some Love

I don't know if I have any lurkers out there but if I do, how about saying a quick hello? I promise I don't bite.

My Interview

1. Describe your perfect day, from the minute you wake, ‘til you close your eyes.
My perfect day would begin waking up feeling completely rested with no pain, I would be in my ocean front home where I would have coffee on the front deck as I listened to the pounding of the waves. I would then make my way to the beach with a good book and my own personal chef would prepare my meals and bring them out to me so I would have no need to leave my beach chair. I would stay on the beach until the sun sets. I would go to bed early and fall asleep easily. My mind would be at peace, my body healthy.

2. What meal would you ask for if you knew it was going to be your last? Don’t forget dessert! hehe
I would have my mother's homemade mac-n-cheese with her infamous birthday cake which is vanilla cake covered in homemade chocolate peanut butter icing.

3. If you were moving and were told that you could only take ONE item from your old house and bring to the new, what would that ONE precious thing be (excludes children and spouse )
I guess it would be our home computer because it has pictures of our kids.

4. You’ve been given an all-expense paid trip to anywhere in the world – where would you go and why?
I would travel to Italy. I think it is a beautiful place that I would love to see in person.

5. The wisest person in the world is coming to see you personally for tea for one hour. He knows EVERYTHING! What would like to ask him or her?
I would ask where my socks disappear to after they've been through the dryer. Is there really a sock monster?

This was fun, let me know if you'd like to play along. I want to thank Molly for interviewing me!

The Rules
• leave me a comment saying: interview me
• comments with e-mail addresses will not be published to preserve privacy
• i will e-mail you five questions. i get to pick the questions
• you can then answer the questions on your blog
• you should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed
• anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
• it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

Bad To Know Good

You have to go through the bad in order to know the good-I heard that somewhere and it makes sense.

I had a bad week this week-physically which did not help me mentally or emotionally. I was starting to get all up in my head thinking God I'm never going to feel better, my life is awful, God I'm so tired, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms.

I kept plugging along because let's face it, what else was I to do?

Today I spent the majority of my day at home. I cleaned, I spent way too much time on Facebook, I did laundry, I actually accomplished my goal of decluttering my bedroom. As I was getting ready for my evening meeting, I felt happy, good.

If I hadn't had a bad week before, I might not have noticed when it was good.

I haven't been in as much pain, my energy level was way better, the kids were glad to be home. It was wonderful.

It's hard to be thankful during the rough times, I have to admit I'm not good at it. Obviously.

I guess it's progress that I can be thankful for the rough times when they are over, right?

Together

Tonight I was trying to declutter my bedroom and I came across some things from the past. Pictures of when JR and I were about to be married, cards from each other, our marriage license, then it was pictures of the kids when they were very small.

As I sat there, looking at the boxes and envelopes full of pictures and such, I was struck with the reality of the life we have built together.

Together.

I guess I get so caught up in the daily grind, in the annoyances, hurt feelings, misunderstandings that I don't take the time to remember all the good, to see all that he and I have been through, side by side.

It was good for my heart.

Celebrate

Wednesday I got to celebrate my sponsor's 29th year of sobriety.

Today I get to celebrate with my friend, Mary who has 7 years.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate with my friend, Jake who has 3 years.

How wonderful it is to be in the fellowship of AA!

Whine Post-At Least It's Not A Wine Post

You know, feeling like crap sucks. Big time.

I feel bad for complaining because I know there are people out there, probably reading my blog right now, who have far worse health stuff going on. But that doesn't take away from how I feel.

Yesterday I spent the day on the sofa except when I had to take kids to and from school. And I still did not feel rested. I hate that. I hate how no matter how much I sleep or rest, it's never enough. And then I have to push myself to get just about everything done and sometimes I push too hard and then I really pay for it.

I'm tired of hurting but the fatigue is the worst. I get so exhausted that it worries me to drive. This morning I was almost in tears at the thought of coming into work because I was that tired. Or maybe weary is the better word.

I spend all day fighting the fatigue and then at bedtime, I can't freaking fall asleep. It makes no sense, my body is beyond exhausted and there I lay, eyes wide open.

However, all this has sent me on quest to learn all I can about fibromyalgia and what I can do to help myself. I have to do something because I can't live this way.

So far I've learned the fatigue is normal, the pain is normal, the insomnia or whatever is normal, the brain fog is normal. At least I know I'm not losing my mind or becoming a hypochondriac. As I browsed ahead a bit in the book I'm reading I saw that I will need to give up sugar, white flour, caffeine, all artificial sweeteners-I stopped reading after that. And while I do balk about giving up all that, I realized that I consume all of those things, everyday and alot of them. So maybe there is something there and while it will be damn hard to give up that stuff, if it makes me feel better, I'm willing.

This reminds me of when I came into AA. I was feeling so bad, I was willing to do whatever I had to do to get better.

Happy List

I know yesterday I did a gratitude list, today I decided to do a happy list. Maybe they are one in the same. I don't know. Either way it's all good, right?

-The honking of the geese flying overhead

-Puppy snores

-Peanut Chews

-AA

What are some things that make you happy?

Photo Credit

Gratitude List

Maybe, finally I am getting over this cold.

I am meeting with my sponsor tonight for dinner.

How God speaks through those around me and that does include my blogger friends.

Having a crochet project to work on-a baby blanket for my sister's step-granddaughter that is due to be born at the end of February.

Inner peace-I may lose it sometimes but I'm quick to do whatever I have to do to have it back.

Hope-I love having hope because for so long I was hopeless.

What's on your gratitude list for today?

Photo Credit

Isolation

I've been isolating.

I just realized it today.

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting. I will talk with my friends.

I'm thankful that I can recognize what I'm doing and I have the tools to change if I need to.

Do you isolate?

Photo Credit