Still Around

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been enjoying the summer with the kids.

Yes, I have 2 months as of August 8th. I am so grateful!

My marriage is good, actually better than it's been in many months.

Ally has been working all summer, she's managed to put almost $1,000 in her savings account. She's proven herself such a good worker that they have asked her to stay on when school starts.

Trevor is returning to public school. We can't pay the tuition any longer. Our financial future is extremely uncertain and after much thought we decided that we had no other choice. Trevor is ecstatic. The private school is giving us a little trouble, stating that we signed a contract, blah blah blah. We did sign a contract but nowhere in it does it state that the contract will be held if you remove your child before the school year begins. I start worrying every so often but I realize that God is in control and that all will ok.

Abby has spent the entire summer reading the Twilight series, she's now on her 2nd time through. She starts field hockey soon. Dance starts in September but she's dropping toe which means less money and less time.

As for me, I'm still working on getting healthy. I have tried a trial gluten free diet and then reintroduced gluten and I am returning to gluten free because I feel so much better.

Life is good.

Life Kinda

Today I have one month. It's kinda weird to say that since I've already had one month before, I actually remember getting my chip. Anyway, need to keep my focus on today.

Summer is just moving along for us. Ally has a job and works 4-5 days a week, she's making good money-saving some and spending some. Trevor is finishing travel lacrosse this weekend, he has a tournament in Walkersville,MD and because it's a bit far for us to travel back and forth we are staying nearby in Frederick. Football starts next week so there is no down time, Trev says he won't play travel lacrosse next summer because he wants a break in between spring lacrosse and football. Suits me just fine. Abby is enjoying the Twilight series of books, she's like me and loves to read.

JR and I are, well, trying. We are caught in a tug of war. I keep taking my will back in this situation and of course, it is not getting better. The Family Afterwards describes us to a T in the first few paragraphs.

I don't know how to mend this. I feel like I should be doing something.

I have alot I'd love to say here but I just can't find the words. It's hard for me to see how broken our family has become.

Even so, the desire to drink has been lifted from me and I am so grateful for that. Even though life is off kilter, I know that it will be ok. Somehow. For that I am grateful.

No More Tears

I was laying bed, crying and my bulldog who is always with me, realized I was crying and he came and put his face right up to mine. We stayed that way for a few moments and then he started to lick my tears away.

And you know, I couldn't continue feeling sorry for myself after that.

How could I?

Maybe....

Someday I will be good enough
Someday the house will be clean enough
Someday I'll be perfect

Someday I won't tense up when you return home from work
Someday I'll stop dreaming of running away from you

Someday I won't seek your approval
Someday I won't gauge your moods
Someday I'll just let you pout
Someday I won't try and fix everything

Someday

Soggy but Sober

I still haven't found my voice here yet.

I am still sober. So grateful.

Life is good even with the tremendous amount of rain we've been having for weeks, even though it's barely in the 60's in the middle of June, even though all this crazy weather makes my fibromyalgia scream.

My kids are doing good, all are now enjoying summer vacation.

JR and I are doing better. I don't know what it was but since the relapse something changed. Maybe because I was more open?

Work is starting to pick up a little.

My Mack Daddy puppy dog is doing well too. I just love him and he loves me.

Hope all is well with you and I hope to get back to visiting blogs again.

Time To Be Honest

AA is an honest program so take a look to your right and check out the new sobriety date.

Yes, I relapsed. For 4 days, 4 days of craziness and misery.

Glad to be back in the fold again.

I take full responsibility. No excuses.

I'm Here

• I am still sober
• Just been busy with life
• The spring lacrosse season is winding to a close
• I am ready for things to slow down again
• My fibromyalgia has been off the hook the last few weeks
• Some days I just don't know how to deal with the pain but yet I do
• I am sensitive to weather changes, I can predict rain better then any meteorologist
• I have a new sponsor, she and I could not be more different but we seem to fit
• Trevor has been getting in trouble in school and has been a real shit here at home at times
• His teachers are suggesting testing for ADD or ADHD
• How much is it just being a hormonal 13 year old boy?
• I am looking forward to the end of the school year, I need a break from dragging kids out of the house by 7:15, homework, projects
• Abby has lacrosse tournaments the first weekend of June in Ocean City, MD, I'm hoping for lots of sun and good times
• I hope to one day get back into blogging again, I'm around, lurking in the background, just staying quiet for some reason

What I've Been Doing

All is well.

Life

• One of Trevor's best friends-Chase-lost his father in a car accident on the 15th
• He was responding to a fire call
• The funeral was amazing, firetrucks and companies from all over lined the streets of Sudlersville
• When they had the last call come across the scanner, there wasn't a dry eye
• It was an emotionally draining weekend but I am so thankful to have been there to support the family
• Ally was officially diagnosed with having migraines last week, she is on medication that she takes daily at bedtime and then imitrex for when she has severe ones
• I had to pick her up yesterday from school because she was having one, she took the imitrex when she got home and slept all afternoon. She is home again today. The imitrex works but makes her too tired to function.
• Tomorrow is Abby's 11th birthday
• We've been having more and more warm weather, finally!
• I am meeting with a holisitc nutritionist today, she's going to help teach me how to manage my fibromyalgia naturally
• I've been having some truly humbling experiences lately, can't say I'm enjoying them a whole lot but I know that I will only grow and learn from them
• Sorry I don't visit blogs and comment, I do keep track of y'all though

Fun Day

Today I had one of those moments where I see what being sober has given me.

My son turned 13 yesterday which means I now have two teenagers in my home. God help me! Anyway, Trevor had some friends come over today. So I have spent most of my day laughing and enjoying the rowdiness of several 13 year old boys.

Last year Trevor and Abby (whose birthday is on the 22nd) did not have big birthdays, I was newly sober and completely unable to deal with a bunch of kids.

This year I was a little apprehensive, mainly because it was raining and I did not want to stay cooped up in the house with a bunch of rowdy, buzzing out on sugar boys.

But the weather cooperated and we were able to go to a lacrosse game. We then went to Pizza Hut and fed 10 people with $50, I thought that was pretty darn good. And since we had some daylight left, we took them to the park where they played until the guy came to lock the gates at dark.

I enjoyed it. I was grateful.

Now I just need to get through Easter at my in-laws tomorrow.

Good

Life seems to be getting in the way of my blogging. In a good way so I can't complain.

I am still basking in the glow from my AA anniversary. I was not expecting the amount of people who came. When I pulled up to the church I was shocked at the amount of cars. I was nervous in a BIG way. But I got through it.

Things have been good and I'm trying to enjoy it.

I'm working on really living in the moment, no projecting, no making mountains out of mole hills. I'm working on trusting God and that He will always take care of me and that His will is way better then my own. Easier said then done but I'm trying.

Spring is trying to make it's appearance. Buds are on the trees, we've had some warm sunny days and I'm liking it.

I'm completely off Lyrica now that my back is so much better due to physical therapy and exercise. I took my first class in the pool last week and loved it. When I'm done physical therapy I'm going to join the gym so I can continue with all I've learned.

Lacrosse season started over the weekend so now my calendar is full of lacrosse practices and games.

Today is the noon meeting that I co-chair and I'm still pondering a topic. Tonight my friend Lisa celebrates 2 years.

As you can tell, my life is pretty normal right now. No drama, thank you God! and I'm trying to just be and not anticipate when the next shoe will drop.

Life is just good.

One Year

I've been trying to write a post today and I just can't. I can't seem to find the words.

I am just so grateful.

Ugh

The last couple of days have been pretty shitty.

Yesterday my husband and children had an intervention of sorts with me. My oldest daughter caught me smoking on Wednesday, she then told her brother, sister and father.

Yes, I had been hiding it. Yes, I recognize that is not healthy behavior because yes, I hid my drinking. I hid my smoking from my kids because I have preached to them for their entire lives about the dangers of smoking, how if you don't start you never have to quit. I was smoke free for 15 years and while I still stand by all the things I have told them, I did pick it back up again. I hid it from JR because honestly, I just didn't want to deal with his disapproval.

What's funny is Wednesday morning I was on my knees praying to God about my smoking, praying for freedom from bondage of self, that His will be done not mine.

So now I kind of understand how the people on that show Intervention felt. It's not good. I felt ambushed, ashamed, pissed. I wish that JR had come to me first so I could've dealt with the children better.

But it is what it is.

I don't know why I seem hell bent on self destructive behavior. I'm like a rebellious child at times. You're not the boss of me I want to scream!!

I also don't know why I need something to cope, why I can't just sit with life, with my emotions.

I hate that I disappointed my kids yet again.

Then tonight Trevor found out he did not make the travel lacrosse league because he's injured. I was expecting it but to see him be so upset, he's been down all week with being hurt and not being able to do anything. This is his first taste of rejection and it hurts. I've told him we need to remain positive, that maybe this means there is something out there much bigger waiting for him. He just looked at me with his sad baby blues.

I'm also having some issues with my sponsor. I like her but feel like she avoids working the steps with me. Things have been a little strained between us, she says that I have lost my fire with my program, that I seem sad. Tonight after the meeting she told me in front of several people to not drink this weekend since my 1 year was almost here, she kept saying don't drink, don't drink. Then she told me that if I want to drink, I am to put my 11 month chip in my mouth and when it melts, I can drink.

WTF?

I have no idea where that came from. Yes, I have been sad lately but I'm not wanting to drink. And I realized then that I don't talk to her enough because if I did, she would never have said that. I realized that I don't call her when I'm in a jam or feeling low, I call my friend Lisa usually.

So I can't place the blame at my sponsor's feet only. But maybe this is an indication that I need to make a decision. I've been staying with my sponsor because I don't want her to be mad with me, I don't want to hurt her feelings. I stay with her in name only just to avoid an awkward situation.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. We need it.

Catching Up Bullet Style

• Trevor hurt his knee at lacrosse practice Friday night
• We spent some time in the ER Saturday morning
• He was put on crutches with explicit instructions to not do anything until he was seen by an orthopedic doctor
• Trevor does not like to be still for long so it was a challenge
• He got in to see the orthopedic doctor, he was sent for an MRI, that machine is loud, wow
• He has a sprain of the lateral ligament or some such thing
• He can play no sports until he's seen again by the doctor next Tuesday
• No gym
• No playing football during recess
• No scrimmage game tomorrow night
• No tournament games this weekend
• He's only allowed to walk around
• He's one bummed out boy
• And I'm a little bummed too because I love watching him play
• However, we have to look on the bright side, his ACL is fine and so are all the other major ligaments and such
• On a totally different note, I will have 1 year next Tuesday
• ONE YEAR
• Nervous as hell about speaking so I try not to think about it

What Do You Think?

At the noon meeting yesterday a guy who has 19 years of sobriety said that he could sit on a keg of beer and have no desire to drink it. That he knows he could be completely alone in a brewery and not drink. He talked about the part in the BB, I think in A Vision For You where it says how we cease fighting everything and everyone. And how he doesn't fight alcohol anymore. He said that's what should happen if you are recovering/recovered, whatever. That he can go anywhere now because it's just not an issue, that he doesn't even think about drinking anymore because he no longer has an alcoholic mind.

This got me thinking and questioning. I can say that I don't fight alcohol anymore but do I think about it from time to time? Absolutely. I did fight the desire to drink every single day the first 4 months. I had to take it minute by minute. But thanks to the grace of God and working the steps, I don't struggle like that anymore.

But I do think about drinking every now and again.

And because I choose to not put myself in certain situations, does that make me not recovering? I thought that was protecting my sobriety.

I'd love to have your take on this.

Stepping On My Soapbox

I know I'm a newcomer but this is how I feel:

• During a meeting please don't sit and have your own private conversation, it's very distracting and disrespectful.
• When they tell you to silence your cell phones, DO IT!
• If for some reason you don't silence it, please turn it off when it starts to ring, don't let it continue to ring throughout the entire meeting.
• Can you maybe try and sit still during the entire meeting instead of getting up 4-5 times?

I am half deaf in my right ear so when someone is speaking I focus so I can read their lips and try to hear. Background noise makes it almost impossible for me to hear.

I guess I should be more compassionate. Maybe the people that get up over and over have a medical problem and they need to use the bathroom or something. It's always the same people.

And I know the meetings aren't all about me. But I'm there to listen and I'm finding myself getting more and more irritated by the almost constant disruptions.

Yes, I have PMS.

I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

Complication

You know, I really think I'm starting to get this turn it all over to God and let Him run the show thing.

It's really that simple.

But yet, being the good alcoholic that I am, I take something so very simple and complicate the hell out of it.

I turn my will over and then yank it back. It's a wonder I can lift my arms for all the yanking I do.

I'm still not comfortable chairing meetings. I feel like I stumble over my words, I go blank, I don't make any sense. I don't want to say the wrong thing. Am I complicating it? Probably.

Today is supposed to get into the 60's, I hope so. My aching body needs some warmth. I am glad that I have managed to walk twice this week while at the park during Abby's lacrosse practices. I get discouraged when I see just how out of shape I have become but I can't focus on that. I need to focus on the positive and how I've walked twice this week which is more than last week. Progress....

Life Lessons

What other people think of me is really none of my business. While I would certainly like for everyone to like me, it's just not going to happen. I used to sell my soul in order to be accepted and then spend hours upon hours plotting revenge against those who didn't accept me.

But man, let someone talk about one of my babies. Grrr...the momma bear in me just comes out.

I will pray for those girls like the BB suggests. Even though I won't really mean it.

Today I'm Grateful:

• My mini daffodils have bloomed
• Gas went down 6 cents
• I saw my first osprey which means warmer weather is on the way!
• Watching all the little songbirds at the bird feeders
• Having healthy children that can run and play
• Mack Daddy puppy grunts and groans
• Having hope today which is way more then I had this time last year
• Noon meetings at the Alano Club
• A God that has never left me even when I've turned away

What are you grateful for today?

Hey Y'All

Well, it's back to the craziness of lacrosse season. Practices 3 nights a week for each plus a dance class thrown in. Travel league try outs last Sunday and this Sunday for Trevor. It's hard getting back into the groove after the laziness of winter.

We've had a few days of warm weather, just enough to tease us. Of course today it's cold and dreary, a good day to be curled up with a good book and a warm blanket.

My 1 year AA anniversary is fast approaching. It's weird to sit in meetings and have people announce it. It makes me uncomfortable being the center of attention for that brief moment but I know it's not about me so I deal with it.

I had my first migraine ever last Friday and had even worse one on Saturday. I hope to God I never, ever get one again. I can't imagine being one that suffers with them often.

As you can tell, my life is pretty low key right now. It's funny how at times I find normal a bit boring.

New

On Tuesday at my womens meeting we read the last story in the Big Book. It talks about how AA teaches you how to not just stop drinking but how to stay stopped. The author talks about how AA taught him how to handle sobriety and how that was what he needed because he'd never been able to handle it before.

I remember when I first came into AA I thought it was just about not drinking. I had no concept of sobriety at all.

Thankfully I think I am slowly starting to grasp what sobriety is.

I feel like I'm at the entry way of something new. Not sure what it is but I'm open to it. I'm ready to live, to be. No more just existing from one day to the next.

Maybe it's just the depression lifting. I kind of feel like the daffodils that are just starting to poke through the earth.

Whatever it is, it's good.

What I've Been Doin'

• I've been spending time with my family, making more of an effort to be present
• JR and I are communicating or should I say learning to communicate more effectively? It's been good.
• I went to see the doctor on Tuesday, I'm on a new antidepressant and starting physical therapy this week to help with the stiffness and pain due to my fibromyalgia
• I've had 2 sick kids-viral throat infections
• I'm starting to address my issues with food, I've gone to a couple of OA meetings, my sponsor and I both feel I can go ahead with this now
• I hang out alot on Facebook, look me up if you're on there
• I will have one year on March 31st-I'm celebrating by having dinner at the local pizzeria, JR and the kids are coming and then I will share at my womens meeting
• I still can't believe it's almost been one year, wow
• Like it says in the Big Book, page 88-It works, it really does.

Where oh Where?

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo.

Maybe it's in the same place as my mind.

If anyone comes across either, let me know, k?

Catch Up Bullet Style

• Yesterday I took my friend Lisa to Johns Hopkins Hospital for another biopsy
• We had to leave at 5am which meant I had to get up by 3am
• I did not get to sleep until 12am
• I didn't get home until almost 6pm
• It was a long, long day
• I did manage to crochet a hat and start another one
• My fibromyalia was in full gear
• But it has been all week, gotta love hormones
• I noticed that it's starting to affect my fingers
• Which is why I'm really going to keep crocheting
• I'm tired of being so damn stiff, sometimes my back feels like a block of wood
• Mack has to have eye surgery-his lower lids are turning inward, I wish I'd known this was coming because I would've waited to have him neutered and done it all at once-putting bullies to sleep isn't always a good thing
• I'm going to the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my medications-thinking a change in my antidepressant is in order
• Today my son and oldest daughter were fighting and my son told her that acceptance was the answer
• I thought the was so freaking cool!

Fake It Till You Make It

I'm not very good at it.

Period.

You Know What?

If you stick around long enough the miracle does happen.

Starting your day off with God does make your day go better.

Working on a 4th step inventory is hard but worth it.

Having a sponsor that keeps it real is an awesome thing.

The truth will set you free but sometimes it might first piss you off.

As much as I'd like for everything to be all about me, it's just not.

This I Know

I have a major F it attitude last night. F being sober, F AA, F it all. If there had been alcohol in my home I would've drank it. But thank God I keep my home completely alcohol free.

My mood today wasn't much better.

I talked to a good friend who has similiar problems and I value her advice. And while I did leave the conversation feeling better, I was still all up in my head, projecting all kinds of stuff.

I wasn't going to go to any meetings because I just didn't feel like facing anyone. But after dinner I realized I needed to get to one. So I got changed in a hurry and rushed off. I was able to talk with another good friend afterwards and we sat in her car and she was sharing with me about some struggles she's having. It was nice getting out of my own head and helping her.

I came home feeling better, more optimistic.

But JR was already in bed which bothered me because I was hoping we could talk a little. I decided to let it go, read Abby a story, got her settled in to bed and then got on the computer.

And in my inbox was an email from him. He is a man of little words but he put his heart in that short email.

We're going to be fine, this I know now.

Marriage Stuff

I have learned that my happiness is up to me. What do you do when someone you love doesn't see that the same applies to him?

How do I not give in to my codependent behaviors and drive myself crazy trying to make him happy? I know I can't do that anymore because it only causes me to feel resentful and just as the Big Book says-resentment is the number one offender for alcoholics.

It makes me so sad to see him unhappy. I know that work is stressful and our future is a bit scary. It scares me too but I've got the tools to work through it. He doesn't.

I try to be understanding, I try to be compassionate. But it's hard. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, I'm tired of never knowing what mood he is going to be in. I'm mad at myself for always feeling the need to gauge his moods then I get mad at him because I feel that way.

I don't know how to be nice when he's moody. I just want to run away from it.

I hate the awkwardness between us. It makes me sad.

How did we get here?

Monday Stuff

The past week was one of those weeks that I'm glad to have behind me. It was like at every turn I had one situation after another.

I have never once thought that getting sober would make all my problems just disappear. Getting sober has been a gift full of wonderful things and I wouldn't trade all that I have learned.

However, when you're sober you're forced to actually feel and that is hard.

And with all that I have learned through AA I have come to see my unhealthy habits or ways of coping. I may not be drinking but I'm using other behaviors to try and dull the emotions and feelings that come with life.

I will have 1 year on March 31st. I don't know if I'm getting all squirrely because of that.

I sit in meetings and listen to those who say they don't even think about drinking, that they can be around alcohol and it doesn't bother them. Then I start to wonder if I'm doing something wrong or is that something that comes with time?

See, I still think about drinking. Not everyday but throw a tough situation my way and my brain goes to wanting to drink because I'm looking for an escape.

And I have been around alcohol a few times since getting sober and I didn't have to white knuckel my way through but I did find myself looking at the bottles of wine and watching people drink it. I didn't long for it but I was keenly aware of it's presence.

I have to be mindful. For instance, I still do not go to the one grocery store that is next to the liquor store that I went to all the time. I don't like to go there so I don't.

I know there is nothing wrong with that because I need to protect my sobriety at all costs. I'm not going to put myself in the line of fire.

I really want to live healthy. I'm tired of having to use food or whatever to escape.

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment on any blogs. I do read but right now, I just don't have much to say. I'm hurting, I'm a little scared and I just don't have much left over.

But through it all I'm remaining sober and for that I am grateful.

Another Layer

I had a wonderful time at the convention. Lots of laughter, lots of fellowship, just what I needed.

I returned home tired, 6 hours sleep in 2 days was just not enough.

I also came home to a daughter that is falling apart. My sweet Abigail. My baby.

I've had 2 phone calls about her not doing certain projects. Her teacher is concerned because she appears withdrawn, just not herself.

I have to make her go to school, we are usually late because it's all I can do to get her out of the house.

She is extremely clingy, she hates for me to leave to go to meetings.

I don't really know what is going on. I know she's had some problems with a couple of girls in class, girls she thought were her friends. Being the sensitive girl she is, it's been very hard for her. Short of removing her from the class and putting her with a new teacher (which I don't want to do because the teacher she has is the best one in the 5th grade), I just don't know what to do.

I've started reading to her every night before bed. We are making our way through a book of classic stories and ever since we've been doing that, she is sleeping in her room no problem. And we both enjoy the alone time.

I'm carrying some guilt with all this. She is my 3rd child and sometimes I think she got the short end of the stick. I had postpartum depression after she was born. My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when she was a baby. The demands of having 3 children and a sick mother didn't leave me alot of extra time. I was depressed and though I was there physically, emotionally I was distant.

And then Mom died and I started drinking again and became severely depressed. I withdrew from everyone.

She was just a little girl.

Here we are now, I'm trying to work on my sobriety and handle all the demands of life. I try to find balance whatever that is. And I think she has gotten lost somewhere along the way. I've been so consumed with myself for most of her life, between being depressed and then in active addiction.

I never took the time to see that I matter to this little girl. For so long I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me, that I really wasn't that important. I guess I did that to justify my actions.

Maybe this is just one of those layers of the onion being peeled away. I can see the consequences to my decisions.

Thankfully I'm seeing it now and I can help her. I'm not really sure what to do other than just be here for her, spend time with her. Now that my eyes are open I can see how she's been crying out to me for months and I either was unable to see it or didn't want to see it.

You see, sometimes it's all I can do just to take care of myself. Sometimes I'm exhausted and I have nothing left over. But that's not fair to any of my children or JR.

Just like with my sobriety I'm going to take this one day at a time and ask God to guide me.

We have a snow day today so we're hanging out at home. I'm getting ready to make lunch, then we're going to bake cookies. I'm going to take advantage of the day God has given me.

Back to the Real World

I am home from the convention.

I had a great time.

I am still trying to catch up on my sleep so I'll post more later.

See Ya In A Few

I've got alot to do to prepare for leaving for the weekend.

I'm leaving tomorrow at noon for the AA convention.

No husband.

No kids.

No puppy dog.

I'll fill you in when I get back. And hey y'all, behave.

Life Is Good

• Because I know that everything will be ok as long as I don't take a drink
• I'm going to to my first AA convention in a couple of days
• I've had a couple of situations over the last few days where I have felt God guiding me and it's been pretty cool
• Snow days came just at the right time
• I am almost done the baby blanket I've been working on for awhile
• My dog who has enjoyed snuggling with me the last 2 days

What's good in your life today?

What's Going On With Me

• Today is our first snow day of the school year and I couldn't be happier!
• I don't plan on getting out of my pjs until I have to
• Abby really is sick so now I feel about an inch high because I didn't believe her
• I went to the Big Book study last night and it was awesome
• The weather is supposed to be pretty nasty later tonight so I guess I'll have to drive the truck to the womens meeting
• I'm supposed to be going to dinner for a friend's celebration and I'm making the cake
• I guess at some point today I need to bake a cake
• Mack is not happy about the snow, he barked and growled at it and would not go out
• Have I mentioned how much I love that dog?
• I noticed on my sobriety counter that I have like 302 days now, wow!
• Saturday is 10 months

What's going on with you?

Monday Stuff

It's Monday. I was hoping to have the day to myself but it wasn't to be. Trevor is home sick-nasty head cold and sore throat. And Abby had a complete and utter meltdown this morning and I could not get her out the door short of physically doing so. I've never had any of my children behave that way and honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel keeping her home wasn't the best choice but I couldn't very well send her in the state she was in.

She's been having some problems with a couple of girls in her class. Nothing extreme but I know it's hard on her. She's been begging me to switch classes and I don't know if that is the right thing to do either. I've never done that before.

Basically I just don't know about anything right now.

I'm tired. I'm anxious. I had to leave a meeting Friday night because I thought I was going to throw up. Yesterday I went to a meeting and was sitting outside feeling the same way. I was starting to feel panicky and I wanted to leave, I didn't think I could stay. Thankfully my old sponsor and my friend Amy (who is one awesome AA) showed up and we sat outside in the freezing cold and Amy talked me through it. I was able to stay for the meeting and I felt better for it.

Thank God for good AA friends.

I know that nothing in God's world happens by mistake. I know that everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to. But man has this been hard. I've been working on my 4th step and this whole situation with Ally has brought up even more that I need to add to my list.

Today I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try and visit some blogs even if all I do is say hi. I'm going to work on the baby blanket I'm crocheting. I may even take a nap. I'm going to eat powdered sugar mini donuts and drink a cup of hot coffee. I'm going to drink diet coke or two. If nothing else comes up, I may attend the new Big Book study at the club.

I'm going to take care of me today.

Where I'm At

There are things that are too private to share online. But I feel like I can't blog at all because this issue is front and center right now. Maybe I could blog and just not post it. Somehow though it just doesn't feel the same.

So I'm just going to blog. I'm sure as the days go by or maybe by the end of this post you will have an idea as to what is going on with me. I may not just come out and say it, you'll just be able to read between the lines.

The initial shock has worn off now. In a sense I am grieving. It is a loss. Loss of innocence, loss of trust. My world has changed somewhat.

It could've been worse. I acknowledge that. And some people may feel that I'm making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. But really I don't give a crap what others may feel. This is my reality, this is how I feel right now.

I thought I'd been doing all the right things. Now I feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm blaming myself.

I also feel stupid. Stupid to have trusted what I was being told. Stupid to have honestly thought it wouldn't happen.

I feel unsettled. I go from being angry one minute and in tears the next.

It's hard to make a decision that goes against everything that I stand for but then to know that by not making that decision, I could be making things worse down the road.

It's painful to look at her in a different light but I do. We can't go back now. What's done is done. Now we just have to deal with it and move on.

But how?

I am still sober. I have to honestly admit that yesterday the thought of a drink sounded awfully appealing. I even thought about how I'd go about it. I didn't give in though, I thought it through, talked with my sponsor and let it go. I am an alcoholic, my mind is going to turn to thoughts of alcohol from time to time, thankfully now those times aren't as frequent.

I know there is no situation that a drink won't make worse.

So this is where I'm at right now. I may not be making much sense and for that I am sorry. I probably won't be making a whole lot of sense for the next week or so. I ask for your forgiveness now.

Dear God,

Ok, I get it.

I've had my hands on the wheel long enough.

It's time to let go and trust you.

Not just with my sobriety. But with everything.

Even my children who I love more than I love myself.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of us even with me standing in the way.

I am still sad. I feel a bit lost, shaken. My world as I knew it looks different, feels different.

I guess that's what I needed.

Maybe if I wasn't so stubborn, you wouldn't have had to get my attention in such a drastic way.

I just need to remember that you know what's best.

Is it wrong that I feel scared?

I hope not because I am scared.

Love,

Me

Heavy Heart

I know I try and be an open book on my blog. I have shared just about every aspect of my life with you. And while I hate it when people are vague on their blogs about stuff, I am now going to be guilty of it as well.

Tonight my heart hurts. I am sad, so sad. And this is just too private for me to share here.

Please know that I am still sober and this has nothing to do with my recovery. At all. So please don't worry about that.

However, I will probably be gone for a little while. I just need a few days to deal with what has been thrown in my path.

I will be fine but it hurts. It really does.

Lemonade Award

My great friend Shadow was nice enough to bestow me with this award, thank you!! It's all about having a great attitude and great gratitude.


Please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award

Here's my list:

Molly

Pam

Anybeth

Shann

Steveroni

Cat

Jenn

Clean and crazy

Prayer Girl

Patty

I know some of these bloggers have already been nominated but hey, getting more of one award isn't a bad thing, right?

Wednesday This & That

Well, it looks like I've been promoted in my service work for my Tuesday night women's meeting. I have been made the coffee and set up for the meeting since April. Starting the week after next I will be the new secretary. I was the secretary last night because the regular secretary was sick. I guess I did an ok job. I'm kind of nervous about it but in a way I'm looking forward to it.

I also just found out about a new intensive Big Book study on Monday nights that started on Monday. I plan on attending next Monday because I love the intensive study and I think it will help me secretary our women's Big Book study.

Tonight is the women's Step Meeting which has grown so much since I've been around. I found out last night about a new closed women's Step Meeting on Friday nights and I might try and attend that as well.

Basically I'm trying to broaden my horizons and get to some new meetings. I think that will help with this funk or whatever I've been in.

Today I am home with Trevor. I have a small list of things I would like to get done and then I'm going to spend some time on my 4th step work. I've been putting it off and it's time.

I feel at peace today, I know that God is guiding me and taking care of me. I just had to get out of His way.

Expecting Is Not Always Good

I want to thank all of you for your insight on my last post. It gave me alot to think about. I talked on the phone with a good friend last night, someone that I trust completely. She helped me to see that I'm disappointed. I am disappointed. I guess I expected more out of them because several of them have alot of sobriety. However, I need to remember they are human, just like me which means they are not perfect and I have no business expecting them to be. And I know that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. So I'm on a slippery slope here and I need to step off it.

There's a part of me that wonders if these people are even my friends. They probably are to the degree that they are able. And just because I wouldn't do that to someone, I shouldn't expect that they won't. See, there's that word again-expect.

I'm not sure yet what to do about the AA convention. I would hate to not go and miss out on what I'm told is an awesome experience. I think I will be fine as long as we're busy going to the convention and not sitting around the condo and having a gossipfest. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about that right now, I'm putting it in God's hands and I trust that everything will work out fine, even if it means I stay home.

I just got back from taking the kids to school. The house is quiet except for the snoring of my bulldog who is curled up next to me. I'm going into work soon, I told them I would be late. I need some alone time, some quiet time.

Today's Daily Reflections reading is so fitting I'm going to end my post with it:

"WE PAUSE.....AND ASK"

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 87

Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I could respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgment to become discernment; to defer to silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend.

I promise to watch for every opportunity to turn toward my Higher Power for guidance. I know where this power is: it resides within me, as clear as a mountain brook, hidden in the hills-it is the unsuspected Inner Resource.

I thank my Higher Power for this world of light and truth I see when I allow it to direct my vision. I trust it today and hope it trusts me to make all effort to find the right thought or action today.

One Long Winded Post

I've been introspective over the past week or so. I remember clearly this time last year. My drinking took a turn, I was no longer just binge drinking on the weekends anymore. I was starting to drink everyday.

I remember feeling so out of control, not wanting to drink but still drinking anyway. I remember the craziness of how I was going to get my alcohol, how I was going to be able to drink it without getting caught, how I was going to hide the evidence.

I remember how I hated to go to sleep and how I hated getting up in the morning even more. I remember the hopelessness. I remember thinking that my kids might be better off without me. I remember sitting at the busy highway I have to cross everyday and thinking that if I just inched my van out just a little in front of the big 18 wheelers flying past, I would no longer have to feel like I did.

I remember sitting in my bathroom on March 31st, trying to figure out how I was going to drink with Trevor being home. I was hungover, shaky and then I had this moment of clarity and I was able to honestly see what I was doing. I was taking medication with alcohol and that if I kept on there was a good chance I might not wake up one morning. I was drinking and driving with my children in the van. I was taking money that we needed for bills and buying alcohol which meant I had to hide our bills and money situation from JR. I was behaving like one who is suicidal.

I remember walking into my first AA meeting that very day.

And here I am today. I take my medication like I'm supposed to. I no longer drink and drive. I no longer sit at the highway contemplating pulling out in front of a speeding truck. I no longer spend our money on alcohol and I no longer have to hide our bills or money situation from JR, as a matter of fact I handed over the bills to him because it was the best thing to do.

I have hope today.

I do feel sad when I think back to last year. I feel sad for the lost soul that I was.

But then if I hadn't gone through all that I wouldn't be where I am today.

I mentioned in a post about the situation I'm having with some of my friends. Basically I have my sponsor and then I have this other group. This other group I've come to find out don't care for my sponsor. And while I know my sponsor is not perfect, neither are they. And my sponsor does not bash any of those people to me. But they don't hesitate to bash her in front of me. And it makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it even makes me a little pissed.

About once a month this group of people get together and I'm always invited. We do have a good time together but I've come to see the gossip that takes place which leaves me feeling uneasy, almost like I've participated in the gossiping by being there.

At the end of this month is a big AA convention in Ocean City, MD and I'm supposed to room with this group for an entire weekend. We planned this months ago, way before my sponsor now was my sponsor. I have been looking forward to this convention for a long time and I'm starting to wonder if it's the right thing for me to do.

I don't feel like I can talk with my sponsor about this because I don't want to tell her what has been said. I know it would upset her and I don't want to cause any more problems between them.

My sponsor has been nothing but good to me since the day I met her. She took me right under her wing and made me feel welcome. She's been sober 29 years and I respect her program and all the advice she has ever given me. When we went over my steps 1, 2 and 3 a couple of weeks ago, I felt even more sure that she is the sponsor for me. And I hate how this other group, particularly one woman feels that I'm better off with someone else.

This situation has made me look at my program and I'm starting to wonder if I'm looking to AA to be more of a social thing. I mean, isn't it good to hang out with your friends in AA? To have fun sober with those in AA?

Today I had my Southern Living At Home party, my sponsor's daughter was the consultant and do you know that none of the people from the other group came and I know it was because my sponsor was going to be there. I actually had one woman (who is not someone I hang out with but she is a part of the "other" group) give me back my invitation when she found out who the consultant was. I found that a bit rude but I just let it go because honestly, I only invited her to be polite.

But you know, we had such a good time today. It was relaxed and comfortable. We laughed, we ate, it was wonderful. I'm glad none of them showed up because it wouldn't have been that way.

One of the better parts of today was that JR and my kids got to meet alot of the women they hear me mention. I could see JR relax as he realized these are good women and that we all really do care about each other. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law came too and they got to see the same thing.

So while I am feeling a bit conflicted, I had a really good day. And I get $200 free to spend on anything I want just because I had a party, I think that made JR even happier!

And if you have stayed and read this blong (I stole that word from steve-a-roni, thanks!!), well, God bless you.

Answer Me This

If you are in a funk, how do you get out of it?

Wednesday Stuff

I'm totally stealing this way of blogging from Pam cuz I'm lazy like that:

• It is darn cold out and I'm not liking it but then if it was darn hot out I wouldn't like that either.
• I have been spending way too much time on Facebook but it's been neat to reconnect with some old classmates.
• Abby is supposed to return to dance class tonight and she has no idea and I'm seriously considering not telling her so we can skip.
• I know I'm a bad mom.
• I want to know why gas prices have gone up 24 cents a gallon in the last week.
• I am seriously regretting booking this Southern Living At Home party for this Sunday.
• Mainly because I'm afraid no one will show up.
• I'm feeling very caught in the middle of two groups of women in my AA fellowship-I'm friends with all of them but they are not friends with each other and at times that is a little awkward.
• I have been finding myself not wanting to go to meetings sometimes because of it.
• I took my friend Lisa to Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore yesterday and didn't freak out once.
• The city overwhelms me-too much traffic, too many people, too many tall buildings.
• And God I am so afraid of taking a wrong turn and ending up on the streets you here about on the news-Baltimore's crime rate is way big.
• However I am so grateful that we live close to some of the best hospitals in the country.

God bless y'all real good

Show Me Some Love

I don't know if I have any lurkers out there but if I do, how about saying a quick hello? I promise I don't bite.

My Interview

1. Describe your perfect day, from the minute you wake, ‘til you close your eyes.
My perfect day would begin waking up feeling completely rested with no pain, I would be in my ocean front home where I would have coffee on the front deck as I listened to the pounding of the waves. I would then make my way to the beach with a good book and my own personal chef would prepare my meals and bring them out to me so I would have no need to leave my beach chair. I would stay on the beach until the sun sets. I would go to bed early and fall asleep easily. My mind would be at peace, my body healthy.

2. What meal would you ask for if you knew it was going to be your last? Don’t forget dessert! hehe
I would have my mother's homemade mac-n-cheese with her infamous birthday cake which is vanilla cake covered in homemade chocolate peanut butter icing.

3. If you were moving and were told that you could only take ONE item from your old house and bring to the new, what would that ONE precious thing be (excludes children and spouse )
I guess it would be our home computer because it has pictures of our kids.

4. You’ve been given an all-expense paid trip to anywhere in the world – where would you go and why?
I would travel to Italy. I think it is a beautiful place that I would love to see in person.

5. The wisest person in the world is coming to see you personally for tea for one hour. He knows EVERYTHING! What would like to ask him or her?
I would ask where my socks disappear to after they've been through the dryer. Is there really a sock monster?

This was fun, let me know if you'd like to play along. I want to thank Molly for interviewing me!

The Rules
• leave me a comment saying: interview me
• comments with e-mail addresses will not be published to preserve privacy
• i will e-mail you five questions. i get to pick the questions
• you can then answer the questions on your blog
• you should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed
• anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
• it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

Bad To Know Good

You have to go through the bad in order to know the good-I heard that somewhere and it makes sense.

I had a bad week this week-physically which did not help me mentally or emotionally. I was starting to get all up in my head thinking God I'm never going to feel better, my life is awful, God I'm so tired, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms.

I kept plugging along because let's face it, what else was I to do?

Today I spent the majority of my day at home. I cleaned, I spent way too much time on Facebook, I did laundry, I actually accomplished my goal of decluttering my bedroom. As I was getting ready for my evening meeting, I felt happy, good.

If I hadn't had a bad week before, I might not have noticed when it was good.

I haven't been in as much pain, my energy level was way better, the kids were glad to be home. It was wonderful.

It's hard to be thankful during the rough times, I have to admit I'm not good at it. Obviously.

I guess it's progress that I can be thankful for the rough times when they are over, right?

Together

Tonight I was trying to declutter my bedroom and I came across some things from the past. Pictures of when JR and I were about to be married, cards from each other, our marriage license, then it was pictures of the kids when they were very small.

As I sat there, looking at the boxes and envelopes full of pictures and such, I was struck with the reality of the life we have built together.

Together.

I guess I get so caught up in the daily grind, in the annoyances, hurt feelings, misunderstandings that I don't take the time to remember all the good, to see all that he and I have been through, side by side.

It was good for my heart.

Celebrate

Wednesday I got to celebrate my sponsor's 29th year of sobriety.

Today I get to celebrate with my friend, Mary who has 7 years.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate with my friend, Jake who has 3 years.

How wonderful it is to be in the fellowship of AA!

Whine Post-At Least It's Not A Wine Post

You know, feeling like crap sucks. Big time.

I feel bad for complaining because I know there are people out there, probably reading my blog right now, who have far worse health stuff going on. But that doesn't take away from how I feel.

Yesterday I spent the day on the sofa except when I had to take kids to and from school. And I still did not feel rested. I hate that. I hate how no matter how much I sleep or rest, it's never enough. And then I have to push myself to get just about everything done and sometimes I push too hard and then I really pay for it.

I'm tired of hurting but the fatigue is the worst. I get so exhausted that it worries me to drive. This morning I was almost in tears at the thought of coming into work because I was that tired. Or maybe weary is the better word.

I spend all day fighting the fatigue and then at bedtime, I can't freaking fall asleep. It makes no sense, my body is beyond exhausted and there I lay, eyes wide open.

However, all this has sent me on quest to learn all I can about fibromyalgia and what I can do to help myself. I have to do something because I can't live this way.

So far I've learned the fatigue is normal, the pain is normal, the insomnia or whatever is normal, the brain fog is normal. At least I know I'm not losing my mind or becoming a hypochondriac. As I browsed ahead a bit in the book I'm reading I saw that I will need to give up sugar, white flour, caffeine, all artificial sweeteners-I stopped reading after that. And while I do balk about giving up all that, I realized that I consume all of those things, everyday and alot of them. So maybe there is something there and while it will be damn hard to give up that stuff, if it makes me feel better, I'm willing.

This reminds me of when I came into AA. I was feeling so bad, I was willing to do whatever I had to do to get better.

Happy List

I know yesterday I did a gratitude list, today I decided to do a happy list. Maybe they are one in the same. I don't know. Either way it's all good, right?

-The honking of the geese flying overhead

-Puppy snores

-Peanut Chews

-AA

What are some things that make you happy?

Photo Credit

Gratitude List

Maybe, finally I am getting over this cold.

I am meeting with my sponsor tonight for dinner.

How God speaks through those around me and that does include my blogger friends.

Having a crochet project to work on-a baby blanket for my sister's step-granddaughter that is due to be born at the end of February.

Inner peace-I may lose it sometimes but I'm quick to do whatever I have to do to have it back.

Hope-I love having hope because for so long I was hopeless.

What's on your gratitude list for today?

Photo Credit

Isolation

I've been isolating.

I just realized it today.

Tomorrow I will go to a meeting. I will talk with my friends.

I'm thankful that I can recognize what I'm doing and I have the tools to change if I need to.

Do you isolate?

Photo Credit